re-entry into life, rethinking the blog

As my crazy work schedule winds down, I find myself mired in the chaos of an unattended life. Not the good kind of chaos, the uncomfortable kind. The house in total disarray and me lacking the energy to do anything about it. The regret of missing the beginning of what seems to be the biggest social movement in my adult life. A feeling of estrangement from my daughter and fear of loosing our connection. A feeling of estrangement from society. The realization that in doing everything that I do, I can’t do anything well. Many things aren’t working, and as I reenter my life I see an opportunity to make some major decisions about it. I need to pair down.

I have started with the decision to forget working in public education. I can not meld into the professional world. I have spent too much time trying to fit into places that I don’t and I am done. And I hate the way that it has made me constantly want to correct people’s grammar (especially people’s tendency to use adjectives in place of adverbs). I loved the fluidity of the English language before it was netted in my standardization and Webster.


But outside education I am a writer, a videographer, and artist, a musician, a single parent, an activist, a “home educator,” an intellectual, a traveler and wanderer, a member of the working class, an urban homesteader…how do I manage? I want to spend time with people too!

I shall start with integration.

Video is a great tool. It is a job I feel comfortable doing. It is an outlet for creativity. It is something I can be paid for. It is a project I can do with my daughter, and help her learn. It is a way to document. Video is a tool for activism.

Writing is something I love. It keeps me sane. It is a form of activism for me. I recently stopped journaling after reading an article from someone I respect saying that in order to be a “famous “ writer, I should write for others, and not waste time journaling to myself. I took the advice and it had devastating effects. For me, writing is not only a mode of communication with the outside world, but a mode of communication with my inner self. I am an introvert and much of me is deeply buried. Writing is an exercise in digging. I am working on adding journaling back into my life. When I journaled regularly I liked my writing.

I am rethinking my blog. What is it here for? I liked it when more mothering was happening in my blogging. When my mothering looked like acts of rebellion. But really I guess it still is. I feel strong in my ideas about how to raise my daughter without regular schooling, at least for the short term. I have plans. I am determined to have a life that doesn’t revolve around my daughter as well. And integrated life is an act of rebellion.

I don’t feel like tackling the other stuff on my list right now…

We will see where all the sticks fall as I come out of super worker mode. 55 hour work weeks plus 6-7 hours of commute time is a lot, even for a hip mama. The cat is laying herself on my wrists as I type this.

Getting out of a rut and plastering my face all over my house

Well, I haven't been writing anything for public, just private. Self-medicating, being uninspired, feeling trapped, going though loss feelings, gaining an X-guy...and going camping!

And wow, what a difference a few days away makes. I have to say I would implode if I were not able to travel. Since I can’t afford to really travel right now, I went with my daughter up to Sierra Foothills, next to the most beautiful river that I know of. Though I didn’t get silence due to my chattering daughter, I did get out of the rut that staying in my town, in my house puts me into. The first night I spent hours laying in the tent worrying about things at home, but soon the change of scenery disrupted my worry/thought loop.

By the end of the trip I was refreshed and full of ideas and to get back to work on my home and garden, to work on my writing and to work on my music playing. X-guy was completely out of my mind and I felt relieved to be free of him finally, after two weeks loss feelings. I hadn’t realized how much energy he sucked and how unmanageable our relationship was until I was able to look at it in hindsight. I was suddenly so much more grateful for the friends I have (sometimes I can take my relationships for granted).

I also decided to tackle something that has been bothering me forever, something I need to change for my own personal growth. Though my daughter is beautiful and very photogenic, almost every time I see a picture of myself, I am repulsed. When I look in the mirror it isn’t so bad, occasionally I even think I am hot, but seeing my face and expressions frozen in time is usually sort of hideous for some reason. It is annoying. I am not very judgmental of the way others look, though sometimes very beautiful women make me uncomfortable. Maybe jealously…cause jealousy is uncomfortable. I don’t have a hard time seeing beauty in a lot of people. Many times it is their uniqueness that I find beautiful. But not when I look at me. I am often afraid to be seen without make-up.

Growing up, my sister was the pretty one. My sister hated me and made sure I knew I wasn’t wanted, that I was repulsive. I was also very awkward and an easy target for kids as well as always being the new kid at school. I was also often the only white kid in a sea of children brought up in poverty and under white oppression. What I am trying to say is that I grew up thinking I was ugly, repulsive, disgusting. Then as a teenager I started getting some attention. But what I noticed is that the attention always seemed to be hinged on how sexy or pretty I made-up myself. All superficial stuff. So then I was like, oh guys like this fakeness I can project. They don’t like me.

So when I was camping I took many many pictures of my self. No make-up, dirty, in the morning, whatever. I decided to print them all out on 8x11 pieces of paper and hang them around my house. Stare at them every day. Stop being repulsed by me and rather see me as clearly as possible. Get used to my face, begin to appreciate my face. Start to draw my face. Self portraits. See what I really look like and then learn to appreciate it and see the beautiful uniqueness in my own face. Is that being extreme? In a way I think it sounds crazy, but on the other hand, I am tired of being repulsed by myself.

It would also help in my relationships with men. I am always suspicious when someone compliments me. I have this feeling, way down inside that they are saying what they are saying cause they want sex or something else. That they say it to everyone. I get "You're Cute." somewhat regularly (what does that mean anyway), but that is about as meaningful as saying "good job" to a child. And then if I think they really do think I am pretty, then I am afraid for them to see me on a bad day, au natural. It is very unhealthy and something I need to grow out of. Thus, weeks of staring at me shall commence, soon.

Another Train of Thought...

I’m kinda writing sometimes, here and there.  It is kinda how I am trying to stay sane, connected to myself.  But I feel like everything I write and could write is repetition.  Of course it mostly doesn’t get posted anywhere.  

Like how I am trying to play guitar, or stay connected to it.  I play/sing the same song or two, the ones I know well, every day, because I can’t/won’t/want to make the effort that goes into creation, self-discipline, learning something new.  I put in just the minimum daily dues, so that, “yeah, I play guitar,” rather than, “I should be playing” or “I haven’t been playing or "I used to play.” 

So I write, a little, and I bore the hell out of myself.  Everything is lack for me now.  Time, space, sanity, desire…except of course sexual desire.  I have plenty of that, but too frazzled to figure out where to direct it.  Getting lots of attention from a nice 24-year-old jobless guy.  Sweet.  Should I or Shouldn’t I?  My problem is that I am always thinking of the future.  I would always say yes to my appetite if I knew I would never have to see the devoured walking around town, talking to my friends, frequenting my café.  That sounds so callous.  Its not though.  It is actually that I am so sensitive.  I don’t like hurt feelings.  I don’t like severed connections.  Sex can ruin relationships.  Sex ruins most relationships between men and women.  Especially the platonic ones.  I usually connect much easier with men, in a non-sexual way (on my part). I have lost so many friends due to jealous or insecure girlfriends. 

So, since I don’t have two hours to rub together to evolve my inner self, my creative self (living in a house full of people, single mom, taking care of her incapacitated mother, looking for a home [refuge] that isn’t not yet for rent), I have been developing myself as a lover and partner, though I am a virgin mom. Does that even make sense? I am developing myself for something that isn't happening, yes.  I'm broadening horizons, being caring and open with people other than myself and my daughter. Reaccustoming myself to sexual tension. Not giving to cold shoulder to anyone who approaches me...you know...letting people a little bit closer. Not being so god-damn independent.  

But yeah, adult love and partnerships are not very common these days in my life.  And it's going to stay that way if I don’t start trying to attract a suitable mate right?  Sounds so weird, but all animals do it.  Attract mates.  I am talking about everything. 

You know, my mom never taught me anything about sex, except how it affects children to hear their mom getting laid on a regular basis.  Other than that I learned about sex from “Wild America.”  Do you know what that can do to a person? 

Interruptions

I have noticed this strange phenomenon lately. It is children who interrupt conversations, resulting in their parents giving them all their attention. It strikes me as rather odd. Or is it wrong to expect a child to say excuse me or wait until an adult is finished speaking. When I need someones attention, I say their name or excuse me and wait until they can give me their attention. To me it is upsetting when someone walks up while I am in mid sentence, or listening to ones story and just starts talking, adult or child. I wonder then thinking behind this.

So I ask you...Are parents afraid that their child won't feel important if they don't respond to them instantly? Is it perfectly acceptable to interrupt?

Or am I just so boring that any interruption is a breath of fresh air?

disconnection

I am wondering about where to take this blog these days. I have started blogging at Hipmama.com, but really just reposting my posts from this blog. It seems like it wants to morph into some sort of processing blog. I guess when I am confused or changing, the things I have to say become so much less concrete and feel less important.

This blog is called revolutionaryma. I feel like it needs to be about being a mama. My head is caught up is so much stuff, I feel like one of those strange little clay people my daughter makes. Writing about being a mama is hard. But all my writing is mama writing. I can't write anything unaffected by mama. But right now I am thinking about change. Changing my location, changing myself. Ascension, living now (this one is so important right now), growing around obstacles, letting strength/power flow into my and others lives.

When things get hard, I find it harder to love me. This leaves me feeling unconnected, and when I feel unconnected I feel alone. When I don’t love myself I don’t like what I do or have. I become discontent. When I feel discontent, I have a harder time (actively) valuing my life, my family. Suddenly I see discontentment in my child, the way she “needs” new toys as of late...wants to be passively entertained and taught by videos.

I remember being a child, the frustration in having to ask for everything - not having the power to take care of myself, meet my own needs. So repetitive, boring, frustrating…ask nicely, say please and thank you, be grateful…I wonder if when I become content again, will it be easier for her to feel contentment? How does one feel contentment? How do I feel contentment? Living now, growing around obstacles, letting power flow into my and others lives. Creative self-expression. My daughter complains of being bored. She wants to watch Bill Nye. Tune out, be passive. Isn;t there a time for passive? I am bored. I need a project, I need to create. Creation is self-expression and we are creative beings. But I seem to be letting life stop me from this very vital act. As if I don't have time, while I spend hours a day escaping into the internet.

I am missing a closeness with Ramona these days. I makes me very sad and like myself less. I remember being so connected. Understanding her needs. She didn’t have to tell me what she wanted/needed, I knew. Right now we are caught up in being complicated people. I don’t want that. I want a situation where I have a little more control of life. Struggle can be a killer of creativity…but then, maybe its what gives creation meaning/backbone…where am I going with this? Do I just need to give into the cycles?

Soon I will being posting vignettes from my childhood here in the near future. Vignettes from the Underground