Watching her grow by letting go...

I was trying to write a blog on the pressures and expectations of society on parents, making “good parenting” very difficult.  I love how my writing takes on a life of its own.  The ideas that want to come out are the ones that will come out when it is time, or I suffer as I write. 

I have heard that babies are the hardest to take care of, as they take up the most time and energy, need every demand met because they can do nothing for themselves. The first years were a piece of cake compared to the confusion of young childhood.  When Ramona was born, her physical separation from my body was only a small beginning of what has been a slow and gradual event.  I have heard that babies don’t comprehend that there exists the Different, Separate, Individual.  My own conception of self as separate became blurred when Ramona was born.  Since I care for myself by listening and following my own intuition and values, the same seemed natural to do for my child as well.  Easy Peasy.

I was a such a great mom, until sometime around the time Ramona turned three.  As Ramona began to explore her own needs, desires, likes and dislikes, I am finding that I have to spend more time contemplating Ramona in her individuality.  Sometimes she really puts me in my place!  While it has been difficult and confusing for me at times, I also have been delighting in watching her delight as she comes into her own.   

I remember the day clearly when she realized that it is okay to like something that I don’t like.  It had to do with cartoons.  I don’t like Scooby and I hate Sponge Bob.  But while I would never spend my hard earned money of these things for Ramona, but I don’t try to control (for the most part) what Ramona is exposed to outside of my home.  I feel the best way to learn about the world is to experience it, plus why would I want to create that “forbidden fruit” scenario that we as a culture seem so caught up on.  

First it was Scooby; she told me several times that she liked Scooby and I would always respond about how I don’t like Scooby.  One day I added that it was perfectly fine that she likes Scooby and I don’t and we began to discuss how it is normal that people like different things.  I pointed out how boring life would be if everybody liked the same thing all the time.  She was silent for a while as she pondered these new concepts and then I could almost see a wave of empowerment come over her.  She beamed at me and said, “Cause I really like some things that you don’t like!”  At the gym, a few days later, I mentioned when I picked her up from the “kids club” that I HATE Sponge Bob.  Ramona smiled at the childcare worker and happily announced, “Mama HATES Sponge Bob, but I LIKE SpongeBob!” Of course, this doesn’t mean Sponge Bob will ever emanate from our TV and I do try to explain why I don’t like certain things in a non-shaming way.  In my house, everything we watch  really needs to be acceptable to both of us.  Now in reflection, as I think about the times that I have worked with kids, I realize that many, if not most, kids don’t know that it is "okay" to like something that their parents don’t like.   In fact, I can reflect on my own life and actually remember hiding that I liked things that I didn’t think I was supposed to like.  Then I reached puberty and realized it on my own and thought my parents were lame. 

I have had one parent tell me that, “Well, children are peer-pressured and marketed into having certain desires anyway, at least I can point her in the right direction.”  I too believe that we can point the child in the right direction *by example.*  But I also think that when you dictate to a child what they should and shouldn’t like, you are reinforcing the logic of peer pressure and marketing, rather than helping them learn to think for themselves.  When you inspire and encourage children to explore their likes and wants outside of the expectations of others, you are reinforcing a more authentic life based on inner passions and self trust. There are so many experts, who have us worried about not fostering a sense of independence in our children.  When it comes to emotional attachment, we are encouraged to not let our children drink from the breast too long, or sleep in our beds or our rooms too long, send them out into childcare centers and preschools as soon as possible to be "socialized"…but when it comes to intellectual control the experts aren’t so vocal...deep thinkers might not be happy with the status quo.

If we can trust our children, we will often be presently surprised. While I also hate princesses, ESPECIALLY Disney princesses (just be really good and pretty and your handsome prince will come and save you), Ramona was completely taken by them at the beginning of the year.  She understood that I wasn’t into them (as I put it).  I do admit that I did try to deny the princess stuff at the beginning, but then questioned myself in that attempt to control her desire and inquiry and I changed.   I even let her attend “Fairy Princess Camp” at her ballet school, which was 85% princess and 15% fairy.  Eventually,  she realized that pink really isn’t that great (so old), that its hard to climb in dresses, and that you can’t have a whole lot of fun in sparkly princess shoes either.  She also realized that princessy girls aren’t that much fun to play with.  Now, while she likes a princess now and then, there are much more important things to do and think about.  That is a happy ending…one day I know that the ending might not be as happy for me, however, I will know that I have allowed my daughter to create herself through her own inclinations and that is more important to me than her having the same values as I do.  i sure as hell don't want her to have to wait until she is a teenager to start being able to experiment with her likes and desires!  i want her to enter her teen years with a good sense of self! 

Okay, so now the question is...do I get her that barbie looking Cinderella Doll that comes with her Magical Steed and sparkly hair clips that she really really really wants for her birthday (or Christmas)? YUCK! The jury is still out on this one. I just hope we can find something else that she really really wants!

I just can't say..."how did I come to unschooling"

 I would have written earlier if I weren’t trying to respond to a recent challenge at “Unschoolers Emporium” (www.theunschoolersemporium.com/) to write a blog entry and post it on their site about Unschooling. There are several topics to choose from, but I thought I would start at the beginning and chose, “What brought you to unschooling.” I have been wasting hours and days filing pages. All I have done is irritate myself by forcing something I have so much to say about without knowing where or when or if or how I should say it.

What I can do is post links. What I can say is that unschooling is definitely up for interpretation. One thing I notice is that some people seem to interpret child led learning, to mean that the child directs the adults lives. “ I personally don’t like guns, but I buy my kid toy guns because I am taking my child’s lead.” I guess if I were an unschooler in that train of thought, I should spend $150 a month so my kid can watch cable TV. Give me a break, let’s put ourselves through the perils of the rat race so we can spend our money on things we are morally against? Well, I guess we are all used to it, since we fund wars with our tax dollars all the time…So after day of writing why I came to unschooling, all I have to say is an insult?!

Unschooling to me is about change. Social Change doesn’t happen if people don’t change. The education system has been a site of struggle for years and it has only gotten worse; more standardized and more under the control of non-educators. Schooling is a form of coercion. The culture of school is about jumping through hoops, sorting children into haves and have-nots, manipulating people, working the system, and learning to conform and please others (non-conformists are skewered in high school). Otherwise we would only need knowledge and expertise to get jobs, not degrees. School says you learn in school, not the world.

Unschooling is a term that fit my philosophy on life. I hope that after this disjointed post I can go on with my blogging and leave this difficult time behind (sarcasm).

Or maybe I resent writing about unschooling because I am jealous of those who have the time and resources and connections that let them live their lives exactly how their ideals dictate...or maybe I'm just afraid I won't be able to pull it off.  

'When we all request education and institutions where our children and young people can stay and learn, we close our eyes to the tragic social desert in which we live. They have no access to real opportunities to learn in freedom. In many cases, they can no longer learn with parents, uncles, grandparents—just talking to them, listening to their stories or observing them in their daily trade. Everybody is busy, going from one place to another. No one seems to have the patience any more to share with the new generation the wisdom accumulated in a culture. Instead of education, what we really need is conditions for decent living, a community.


“True learning,” Ivan Illich once said, “can only be the leisurely practice of free people.” '

Reclaiming Our Freedom to Learn
by Gustavo Esteva

Child Development Boxes…

Ramona was born with a flattened head, rather like ET. My midwife said in her 20 years of delivering babies, she had never seen anything like it. From that moment on, Ramona has had a hard time conforming to expectations. She is “very advanced for her age.” At 3 and some months, she happily works on “kindergarten level” work at home. The What to Expect From Your Two Year Old (or Three Year Old or Four Year Old) never did anything but make us feel abnormal. She never even fit into the growth charts doctors like to use, completely transforming her point on the chart with every visit (if that point was even on the chart). People find it highly suspicious that Ramona doesn’t develop to the professional guidelines.

Ramona started preschool early because she had a high interest in going. Because California has an age cut-off for kindergarten at 4 years nine and months, the age cut-off for preschool is 2 years nine months. Ramona started at 2 years 8.5 months and will enjoy three years of preschool. This year, they recommended that she stay back in the younger class so that she could make friends and keep those friends through the next two years of preschool.

Ramona was very upset because she loves her friend Jade so much and her other friends from class last year. All Ramona’s good friends are a year or more older than she is. Though I felt sad about separating her from Jade, if she goes with the younger class this year she can have two years with the same (albeit younger) kids. This idea makes Ramona cry.

The other day, however, I realized something was really amiss. As a coop parent, I do help work around the school for a discount on tuition. I took her with me to get the school ready and I noticed that she acted like a typical three year old (if that) at school. She asked me to put her shoes on! She has been putting her own shoes on for a year now! She was asking people the names of things like “fork!” I was really weirded out by her charades. Was she trying to conform to expectations? Or acting so she could get extra praise for “learning” new things?

So now I feel at a loss. I absolutely do not want to push her, but I also don’t want her to not be herself. As we were getting ready to leave the school I asked her about it and she told me she only wanted to be smart at home, and sometimes at Maria’s. I told her that her not acting smart in school was the reason that she wasn’t going to the “Big Kids” class this year in a very cold and snotty manner. It just popped out… and as soon as I said it I was sorry. I could see in her body and face that my words really hurt her. She quickly changed the subject by opening the mailbox and asking me why there was a wood block with screws in it in the back of it. Wow, she already knows how to stuff feelings…I answered her, thinking a subject change was a great idea. As I loaded her onto the bike I could see her watering eyes and she told me, “I want to be with Jade.” And a tear fell. “I want to go to the big kid class.”

I couldn’t get rid of the lump in my throat for most of the rest of the day. I am trying to loose the guilt. But those escaped mean words have acted as a red flag that something isn’t working out. The questions abound! Does it really matter that she dumbs herself down? I am going against Ramona’s wishes to put her in the younger class, but with the conventional wisdom of “child development” says she needs to be with kids her same age. I don’t feel like going against Ramona’s wishes corresponds with my ideal of letting the child have control of her own education, but at the same time, her “pretending to not be smart” behavior is what probably got her in the situation in the first place. Very young children do not have the experience to understand the full implications of big decisions like this, and isn’t it the parents job to guide her to the right decision? What is the right decision? Why is she acting? A lot of questions…

The big problem I have with the child development conundrum is that I see well-trained adults actually trying to fit children into the child development chart when they don’t fit. It is the backbone to the idea that it's good to separate children by age. It creates this whole world of abnormalities (gifted, special ed, etc) and organizes, pigeon holes and puts children in a sort of competition with each other, not to mention causes a whole plethora of insecurities in parents. Parents with “gifted” children are first looked at with suspicion, then animosity. Parents with “special ed” kids are treated like there is something wrong with their child (while holding off for a year on certain concepts might prove the child "normal").

Nearly everyone we meet asks Ramona what her age is, then they almost always make a comment about the way Ramona acts or looks based on what they think children of her age should be like. I used to be proud every time I would here how smart or mature or “present” she is, but then I started to get annoyed. We have a friend with a child who has a “speech issue.” Her mother feels quite insecure about it. People look at her as if they feel sorry for her and her daughter when they hear her difficulty with speech. That little girl creates the most beautiful art, several years advanced on the “development” charts. Of course, no one notices and the mother of the little girl didn’t even notice until I said something to her about it…and she even played down the art by saying, “I think she copied her older sister.”

In the end, I have worked out a few things to make my life a little less stressful. First, I have discussed with Ramona that when someone asks her age, she doesn’t need to tell them, and that she can say, “I don’t want to say" (she used to do this anyway). And then I wont say either. Of course she probably will say, because this is what people expect, but how nice it would be to make people think for a minute. We also moved Ramona into an afternoon class in her preschool, the one class with the full spectrum of 2.9 year olds to almost 5 year olds. I personally love the mixed age classrooms. I have also come to accept that Ramona is an actress by nature. She likes to try on different personas and be different characters. Maybe I don't need to worry about it and let her reveal what she wants to whomever she wants.

And I hope that one day, we will stop being obsessed with science, basing every thought on it. I think science is a tool, a way to get an idea. Science is soaked in human bias. Science is a piece, a fragment...we will never see the whole picture when focusing on just one piece of the complex puzzle that makes up humanity. In any case, how could we ever evolve or change as a species if we are always trying to fit into the boxes of yesteryear?

Ironically and coincidentally, as I write, Ramona is watching "Ages and Stages - Your Three Year Old" on PBS.