That's it, I am posting a blog!

I am tired of starting writing little blogs and not finishing.  This morning I am writing a blog with no idea what I am going to say.  Really, what is going on is I am again stuck in this limbo.  New rain fallen, just a few drops gathering together, sliding down the hill, struggling to become a trickle, the trickle becomes a small stream, soon finding its way to the creek and the point of no return as it builds and builds into...whoops, ran into a dam!  The water level slowly rises against the dry cement wall.  That's where I am right now.  Again, the water will begin to crest. A few drops are beginning to breach the blockade splashing over the edge with the rhythm of the new body of water trapped behind it, then the point of no return again...or maybe some eco-activists or local villagers will smash the wall and set me free all together. 

Anyway, I am just hanging, looking at the computer, looking for a home, but not finding the right place.  Not wanting to settle for the wrong place.  So I just hang out in another’s house, dreaming of where I will be going.  Hoping my loud-ass roommates will quiet down so that my daughter can get all the sleep she needs.  This is my life, day after day.  I have all the faith that things will turn our great, but until then I sit here, gathering ideas, dreams, intentions and packing them away for later, like all the stuff in the garage.  Two-thirds of my life packed away in boxes waiting for the move, two-thirds of my ideas packed away in my mind waiting for some space to be realized.  It can get really annoying, but what I can and have been doing with this time of creative/life limbo, is connecting with people, strengthening relationships, building my community.  Don’t need space to do that.  And oh I am so excited for the summer.

Another Train of Thought...

I’m kinda writing sometimes, here and there.  It is kinda how I am trying to stay sane, connected to myself.  But I feel like everything I write and could write is repetition.  Of course it mostly doesn’t get posted anywhere.  

Like how I am trying to play guitar, or stay connected to it.  I play/sing the same song or two, the ones I know well, every day, because I can’t/won’t/want to make the effort that goes into creation, self-discipline, learning something new.  I put in just the minimum daily dues, so that, “yeah, I play guitar,” rather than, “I should be playing” or “I haven’t been playing or "I used to play.” 

So I write, a little, and I bore the hell out of myself.  Everything is lack for me now.  Time, space, sanity, desire…except of course sexual desire.  I have plenty of that, but too frazzled to figure out where to direct it.  Getting lots of attention from a nice 24-year-old jobless guy.  Sweet.  Should I or Shouldn’t I?  My problem is that I am always thinking of the future.  I would always say yes to my appetite if I knew I would never have to see the devoured walking around town, talking to my friends, frequenting my café.  That sounds so callous.  Its not though.  It is actually that I am so sensitive.  I don’t like hurt feelings.  I don’t like severed connections.  Sex can ruin relationships.  Sex ruins most relationships between men and women.  Especially the platonic ones.  I usually connect much easier with men, in a non-sexual way (on my part). I have lost so many friends due to jealous or insecure girlfriends. 

So, since I don’t have two hours to rub together to evolve my inner self, my creative self (living in a house full of people, single mom, taking care of her incapacitated mother, looking for a home [refuge] that isn’t not yet for rent), I have been developing myself as a lover and partner, though I am a virgin mom. Does that even make sense? I am developing myself for something that isn't happening, yes.  I'm broadening horizons, being caring and open with people other than myself and my daughter. Reaccustoming myself to sexual tension. Not giving to cold shoulder to anyone who approaches me...you know...letting people a little bit closer. Not being so god-damn independent.  

But yeah, adult love and partnerships are not very common these days in my life.  And it's going to stay that way if I don’t start trying to attract a suitable mate right?  Sounds so weird, but all animals do it.  Attract mates.  I am talking about everything. 

You know, my mom never taught me anything about sex, except how it affects children to hear their mom getting laid on a regular basis.  Other than that I learned about sex from “Wild America.”  Do you know what that can do to a person?