Changes;
More child-mom independence (including kid having sleep-overs so mom can party)
Our own home
Dating
Music
35th birthday
Kitten
Social life
Activist meeting
All these on top of a shit load of change last winter...
I feel sad when I don’t get to write a blog post every week or so. I guess I am settling into all the changes that have been going on around me; figuring out what I have to say about them still. I felt like I was living in a pressure cooker, then abruptly tossed out the window. The painful contortions of change transform into a new rhythm. Starting to feel comfortable in my new skin.
The advice I give to my depressed friends is to always remember that things will inevitably change.…rough spots are just that…spots. But I was starting to think that maybe I was full of it. I guess some “rough spots” are more like large salt-water lakes.
Moving is hard. Life as a single parent can be exhausting. Life as a non-single parent can be exhausting. Life as a middleclass nuclear family can be hell. But I am a little exhausted, trying to create a little balance to handle all these new changes, good changes, nonetheless somewhat uncomfortable changes. I am a very lucky girl, when compared with the world majority. It is such a horror that billions of people suffer so much that even the thought of having a creative outlet would scarcely touch the mind. People created horror.
Anyway, the advice I give IS good, but sometimes hard to remember when you have spent the last four score and umpteen days riddled with anxiety, valiantly fighting your depression with mind power and beer.
One change I have added to the mix recently is that I have dedicated myself to being a musician. This is where I am aiming. Playing music has been something I have always wanted to do. It has been a source of excitement, anxiety, frustration, elation, and very much…connection. I played with people about 10 years ago. In a band. Then I fell apart emotionally and socially. I didn’t even listen to music for a few years. I didn’t want to deal with the emotion that inevitable welled up and distracted me from “sanity” when I listened to music. But I kept all my instruments. I helped bring in the last full-moon in a drum circle. Now I have been playing bass. I play guitar, but I want to play bass in a band. So that is what I am going to do. I know that it will work wonders for my self-esteem. I always feel bad that I don’t play music when I am not playing music. I hear a drummer playing music in a nearby home. Maybe I should find where it is coming from and introduce myself. .
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Monday, July 04, 2011
Home and Hearth
I must admit that I erased my last post about depression. Struggling with it, but seeing it in words makes me cringe. I don't want to make deleting a habit though...as I don't like so much of what I write it could make blogging a problem.
Moving on...we finally found a place to live. Its in a triplex, with two big bedrooms, a big living room for relaxation and music and yard to play in and grow food. It’s not perfect, but it will be a great place to live. There is a garage to store bikes, put a washer and dryer and make a workshop for my creative endeavors. I am looking forward to cracking open the life that lives in the garage in boxes...it seems I was punishing myself for not finding a place Ramona and I could fit and flourish...I have been deprived of most of my music, jewelry, art-making supplies, guitar amp and pedals for so long...
The best part about this move is that it means that my life gets to make one great leap forward. It means that I get to create my own space. For some reason this sounds so amazingly satisfying to me. I used to express myself creatively using my own body as a canvas, clothes, hair, make-up…but unfortunately I don’t want to be stared at (I didn’t then either). I stick out already in this subdued town, I don’t need to draw yet more attention to myself. There has been but one year in my entire life where I have had my own home. And even then I spent 3 of those 12 months in Mexico, away from my tiny home…I was also 5 months pregnant and in grad school when I moved in…not in position to be decorating. It took me a month to even get a bed in the tiny third floor apt. (I do remember one time though, when I was in love, that my shared space really was my space, when my love was part of my family and me. I loved our house then)
I am looking forward to hosting. I look forward to seeing how my home base will change things in my life.
I have been in this town for nearly four years now. That is a lot for me. My last house I was in for 3 and a half years. That is the longest I have ever lived anywhere. I think 2 years is the longest before that, and I am including my entire life, not just my adulthood. Creating a home base is peculiar, but I am embracing it. Something new. It seems that home is the next frontier after choosing a community in which to grow roots.
Everyone is always so interested in my travels, my experience flitting from one place to another. My fearlessness in the face of instability and change, my love for motion. But a being that I have mostly lived in instability I have a novel and eager fascination with scary stability. How will creating home affect me? Not that stillness will ever be my natural, comfortable state, but deepening my roots could definitely open up new opportunities to flourish. A place with furniture…before a few years ago I have always been able to fit everything I own in my car. Everyone thinks that is “awesome,” but at the same time, making hearth and home is also a wonderful thing. Having a soft place for a traveling friend to lay their head, space to create music in the company of friends, a yard full of living food, all that is just as great as being in motion. Home and hearth is such a resource; to myself, my child and my loved ones. How many times have friends given me a soft spot to sleep, company and a warm meal during my adventures. Now I can do the same. I also remember how hard it was as a child to live in constant motion and instability. It meant never cultivating strong relationships, always being new…I love the value that Ramona puts on here relationships and social rituals.
Sometimes, movement and change can be deceptive. When things get boring and tough, just take off to shake things up and get a new perspective. While I love it…while constantly shaking things up and changing the scenery is exciting and makes for great memories and mind-expanding experiences, there is a certain sort of shaking up and changing that only happens when the world around me is quiet. There is a sort of painful inner work that can only happen when I am not being over stimulated by the world around me. There is a certain kind of exquisite creative output that only happens from a place of groundedness.
Moving on...we finally found a place to live. Its in a triplex, with two big bedrooms, a big living room for relaxation and music and yard to play in and grow food. It’s not perfect, but it will be a great place to live. There is a garage to store bikes, put a washer and dryer and make a workshop for my creative endeavors. I am looking forward to cracking open the life that lives in the garage in boxes...it seems I was punishing myself for not finding a place Ramona and I could fit and flourish...I have been deprived of most of my music, jewelry, art-making supplies, guitar amp and pedals for so long...
The best part about this move is that it means that my life gets to make one great leap forward. It means that I get to create my own space. For some reason this sounds so amazingly satisfying to me. I used to express myself creatively using my own body as a canvas, clothes, hair, make-up…but unfortunately I don’t want to be stared at (I didn’t then either). I stick out already in this subdued town, I don’t need to draw yet more attention to myself. There has been but one year in my entire life where I have had my own home. And even then I spent 3 of those 12 months in Mexico, away from my tiny home…I was also 5 months pregnant and in grad school when I moved in…not in position to be decorating. It took me a month to even get a bed in the tiny third floor apt. (I do remember one time though, when I was in love, that my shared space really was my space, when my love was part of my family and me. I loved our house then)
I am looking forward to hosting. I look forward to seeing how my home base will change things in my life.
I have been in this town for nearly four years now. That is a lot for me. My last house I was in for 3 and a half years. That is the longest I have ever lived anywhere. I think 2 years is the longest before that, and I am including my entire life, not just my adulthood. Creating a home base is peculiar, but I am embracing it. Something new. It seems that home is the next frontier after choosing a community in which to grow roots.
Everyone is always so interested in my travels, my experience flitting from one place to another. My fearlessness in the face of instability and change, my love for motion. But a being that I have mostly lived in instability I have a novel and eager fascination with scary stability. How will creating home affect me? Not that stillness will ever be my natural, comfortable state, but deepening my roots could definitely open up new opportunities to flourish. A place with furniture…before a few years ago I have always been able to fit everything I own in my car. Everyone thinks that is “awesome,” but at the same time, making hearth and home is also a wonderful thing. Having a soft place for a traveling friend to lay their head, space to create music in the company of friends, a yard full of living food, all that is just as great as being in motion. Home and hearth is such a resource; to myself, my child and my loved ones. How many times have friends given me a soft spot to sleep, company and a warm meal during my adventures. Now I can do the same. I also remember how hard it was as a child to live in constant motion and instability. It meant never cultivating strong relationships, always being new…I love the value that Ramona puts on here relationships and social rituals.
Sometimes, movement and change can be deceptive. When things get boring and tough, just take off to shake things up and get a new perspective. While I love it…while constantly shaking things up and changing the scenery is exciting and makes for great memories and mind-expanding experiences, there is a certain sort of shaking up and changing that only happens when the world around me is quiet. There is a sort of painful inner work that can only happen when I am not being over stimulated by the world around me. There is a certain kind of exquisite creative output that only happens from a place of groundedness.
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