Home and Hearth

I must admit that I erased my last post about depression. Struggling with it, but seeing it in words makes me cringe. I don't want to make deleting a habit though...as I don't like so much of what I write it could make blogging a problem.

Moving on...we finally found a place to live. Its in a triplex, with two big bedrooms, a big living room for relaxation and music and yard to play in and grow food. It’s not perfect, but it will be a great place to live. There is a garage to store bikes, put a washer and dryer and make a workshop for my creative endeavors. I am looking forward to cracking open the life that lives in the garage in boxes...it seems I was punishing myself for not finding a place Ramona and I could fit and flourish...I have been deprived of most of my music, jewelry, art-making supplies, guitar amp and pedals for so long...

The best part about this move is that it means that my life gets to make one great leap forward. It means that I get to create my own space. For some reason this sounds so amazingly satisfying to me. I used to express myself creatively using my own body as a canvas, clothes, hair, make-up…but unfortunately I don’t want to be stared at (I didn’t then either). I stick out already in this subdued town, I don’t need to draw yet more attention to myself. There has been but one year in my entire life where I have had my own home. And even then I spent 3 of those 12 months in Mexico, away from my tiny home…I was also 5 months pregnant and in grad school when I moved in…not in position to be decorating. It took me a month to even get a bed in the tiny third floor apt. (I do remember one time though, when I was in love, that my shared space really was my space, when my love was part of my family and me. I loved our house then)

I am looking forward to hosting. I look forward to seeing how my home base will change things in my life.

I have been in this town for nearly four years now. That is a lot for me. My last house I was in for 3 and a half years. That is the longest I have ever lived anywhere. I think 2 years is the longest before that, and I am including my entire life, not just my adulthood. Creating a home base is peculiar, but I am embracing it. Something new. It seems that home is the next frontier after choosing a community in which to grow roots.

Everyone is always so interested in my travels, my experience flitting from one place to another. My fearlessness in the face of instability and change, my love for motion. But a being that I have mostly lived in instability I have a novel and eager fascination with scary stability. How will creating home affect me? Not that stillness will ever be my natural, comfortable state, but deepening my roots could definitely open up new opportunities to flourish. A place with furniture…before a few years ago I have always been able to fit everything I own in my car. Everyone thinks that is “awesome,” but at the same time, making hearth and home is also a wonderful thing. Having a soft place for a traveling friend to lay their head, space to create music in the company of friends, a yard full of living food, all that is just as great as being in motion. Home and hearth is such a resource; to myself, my child and my loved ones. How many times have friends given me a soft spot to sleep, company and a warm meal during my adventures. Now I can do the same. I also remember how hard it was as a child to live in constant motion and instability. It meant never cultivating strong relationships, always being new…I love the value that Ramona puts on here relationships and social rituals.

Sometimes, movement and change can be deceptive. When things get boring and tough, just take off to shake things up and get a new perspective. While I love it…while constantly shaking things up and changing the scenery is exciting and makes for great memories and mind-expanding experiences, there is a certain sort of shaking up and changing that only happens when the world around me is quiet. There is a sort of painful inner work that can only happen when I am not being over stimulated by the world around me. There is a certain kind of exquisite creative output that only happens from a place of groundedness.