change, music and ...

Changes;
More child-mom independence (including kid having sleep-overs so mom can party)
Our own home
Dating
Music
35th birthday
Kitten
Social life
Activist meeting
All these on top of a shit load of change last winter...


I feel sad when I don’t get to write a blog post every week or so. I guess I am settling into all the changes that have been going on around me; figuring out what I have to say about them still. I felt like I was living in a pressure cooker, then abruptly tossed out the window. The painful contortions of change transform into a new rhythm. Starting to feel comfortable in my new skin.

The advice I give to my depressed friends is to always remember that things will inevitably change.…rough spots are just that…spots. But I was starting to think that maybe I was full of it. I guess some “rough spots” are more like large salt-water lakes.
Moving is hard. Life as a single parent can be exhausting. Life as a non-single parent can be exhausting. Life as a middleclass nuclear family can be hell. But I am a little exhausted, trying to create a little balance to handle all these new changes, good changes, nonetheless somewhat uncomfortable changes. I am a very lucky girl, when compared with the world majority. It is such a horror that billions of people suffer so much that even the thought of having a creative outlet would scarcely touch the mind. People created horror.

Anyway, the advice I give IS good, but sometimes hard to remember when you have spent the last four score and umpteen days riddled with anxiety, valiantly fighting your depression with mind power and beer.

One change I have added to the mix recently is that I have dedicated myself to being a musician. This is where I am aiming. Playing music has been something I have always wanted to do. It has been a source of excitement, anxiety, frustration, elation, and very much…connection. I played with people about 10 years ago. In a band. Then I fell apart emotionally and socially. I didn’t even listen to music for a few years. I didn’t want to deal with the emotion that inevitable welled up and distracted me from “sanity” when I listened to music. But I kept all my instruments. I helped bring in the last full-moon in a drum circle. Now I have been playing bass. I play guitar, but I want to play bass in a band. So that is what I am going to do. I know that it will work wonders for my self-esteem. I always feel bad that I don’t play music when I am not playing music. I hear a drummer playing music in a nearby home. Maybe I should find where it is coming from and introduce myself. .