R at the Beach on Thursday

"This used to be a beautiful train track by the river and now they turned it into a beach."

What does a four year old know?

My daughter tried out shoplifting for the second time recently. I didn’t know about it for days. Then one day I notice her eating something, and I asked her about it. First she says a friend gave the candy to her, then confesses that she “snuck it” from the corporate copy shop. I explained to her that it was called stealing, not sneaking. Then I told her about all the horrible things that could happen if she were caught, and I talked about the police. Problem is that, though I don’t condone stealing from people or local businesses, I didn’t really care since its apparent to me that corporations steal a lot more from us than we do them. A friend of mine told me I should take her into the store, and make her give it back and apologize for stealing and that she would never do it again. I remember getting caught and embarrassed stealing as a young age and it just made me better at it. I also know that I would rather have an open line of communication with my daughter than shame her in public. Shaming isn't respectful, and respect is the central tenet in my personal child-rearing philosophy.

Last night I was closing the blinds so I could walk around my house naked. My daughter asked why. I told her it was because adults aren’t supposed to let strangers see them naked. She asks me what the police would do if someone was naked. I said I didn’t know, and what did she think they would do. She said that she thinks the person would get arrested, or if they were a girl they would get a ticket. I grilled her a little on her thinking, because I thought it sounded pretty accurate. After asking a couple times why boys get arrested and girls get tickets, she responded, “Because boys are just a little bit more nasty than girls.” Huh. She couldn’t tell me who told her that boys are nastier. She says she just knew it. I didn't contradict her, but I wonder if I should have. I like her to think that being female rocks, since it will probably get harder to think that as she gets older and is assaulted by our cultures twisted norms. .

Watching children grow very entertaining and a great learning experience if you are paying attention. I’ve been noticing other things, as in how different parenting styles and parent thought processes affect children in their development, beliefs and mannerisms. It is especially obvious between around 2.5 to about kindergarten, when they are old enough to be expressing themselves, but their thought processes have not yet been mediated by government schools.

Kids are fun.

(see look at that, one day off Facebook and I write two blogs. Now I am going to do some more writing and play the bass.)

no trip, no beer, no facebook

My tooth is going to cost me $230-300, so the road trip is postponed. I need to move farther towards the black before I go deeper into the red. I know, what a let down. I plan to re-evaluate in a couple weeks to see if I can go before the cold and rain start up north. But at least the dentist will be giving me an exam and x-rays, so I can see to what extent the corrosion that my mouth is in and what needs to happen to repair it. I am working on getting a temp job up north, and coupled with the tax return I usually get in Late February, I am determined that within the next 8 months Ramona gets to go to Costa Rica to meet her dad. And of course I will be armed with x-rays and the Spanish skills to locate an awesome dentist to make my mouth shine for 1/3 the price of American dentists. Besides repairs, I am also looking into slowly replacing all my metal fillings with composite ones. Metal makes me feel toxic. And amalgam fillings tend to have some of the more toxic metals in them.

Planning on taking a camping trip, just my daughter and I, to the American River next week to make ourselves feel better about no road trip. But I keep wondering if I should save the $50 in camping fees and $25 or so in gas and put it towards my road trip. Hmmmmm.

Well, none-the-less I will be doing some work to make my life less tempting to get away from. Like limiting myself to one (12 oz) beer a day maximum, drunk in my own home. I like drinking beer, but when I am not feeling great, I drink more, which makes me feel worse and more tired. I drink six or more beers a week in bars, the good kind. Six pints adds up to $30-36 dollars a week with tips. I could use that money to buy tools and wood to make garden beds, more art to make my house more comfortable, extra childcare to get more peace.

Another de-toxifying change I have made is to deactivate my facebook. It is too easy to distract myself on that thing. It was hard, but I just wrote a note on my calendar for two weeks from yesterday, saying that I can reactivate my account if I feel like it at that time. That way the decision doesn’t have to feel so big. Already, the first morning without, I was tempted by an awesome groupon deal to activate my facebook to share it. One of my favorite local cafes has a 61% off deal. I wanted all my friends to know…and of course if my friends sign on to groupon because of my suggestion, I get $10 towards other groupon deals, see how that can get insidious? Life on the internet is insidious. I was sort of disgusted with myself. What have I become? I do love groupon though.

I can't not go...Road Trip

I just decided to go on a road trip. I don’t even feel like I have a choice. At first it was just a two or three day excursion, that turned into the hope for a couple weeks of aimless meandering up the Northwest Coast and back. A few days is nice, but sometimes it takes a few days to even get my mind unstuck and prepped for cleansing and expanding. Exploring the world around me has a mirror effect on my inner life. I explore the internal landscapes of my psyche.

I was practically born on the road, my mom switched towns every couple years and took road trips often. Traveling clears my head, brings me to the place of my rhythm and towards clarity. Whenever I return from a trip, I am open, inspired, and with a new grasp of reality. I helps me to connect better with those whom I am spending time with...without the everyday life interruptions and distractions.

The thing that has been the hardest for me, since I have had my child is being tied down to a place. It is mostly due to finances…money goes towards different things when you have a child and a home. I am still in debt from moving, but I need to go now, to preserve my sanity. I may try to make it all the way to Bellingham, my hometown, but am trying to think of ways to at least make the extra $200 I will need for gas, even considering spare changing along the road. (If anyone reading this has any ideas for earning cash in the next 3 or 4 days let me know.) I am also reaching out to friends and acquaintances for possible places to crash and avoid camping and motel fees. We may even bring our kitten, Dora Maar.

And I will Blog my experience. So stayed tuned.

I would rather gut fish in Alaska than teach an a "professional" bureaucracy.

The adult school called yesterday to let me know that they don’t have any classes for me to teach this year. I felt like the tethers were being cut. At the same time, the insecurity of my whole life situation was bumped up a few notches. Another piece of my life liberated into the dark unknown.

I am supposed to have a job, but I had been secretly dreading the call for me to return to work. The cheerful voice of my supervisor on the phone had me thinking my life was going to revert to last year’s program, which I was going to cheerfully accept, as I am a teacher after-all. Instead, she cheerfully told me that they had nothing for me. I am not sure if it was because funds were cut (as is in the yearly recipe) or if they just decided to give my class to someone that “fits.” I am pretty sure the latter was at least partially responsible. My class still exists and last month they advertised a position on the site, that no one mentioned to me. Did they see through my professional façade and discover the truth; that deep down I would rather gut fish in Alaska that teach in a “professional” bureaucracy? I could at least taste freedom working long hours for shit pay on a boat. Professionalism tends to own us, forcing us to not only pimp out our bodies, but our minds as well. And of course to be a professional these days just means you jump though hoops and log in hours in a classroom to get your piece of paper that says you are a professional, NOT that you are actually good at anything.

No teaching job. What does that mean? I am no longer a “teacher?” Everyone always said I would make a great teacher. Don’t I need a teaching “job” to be a teacher? Am I a hack if I just share knowledge, skills, experience, insight? Luckily, I have been blessed to have friends divulge, unsolicited, what it is that I have taught them just by being what I am, doing what I do and saying what I say. The greatest teachers in my life have just been curious learners and researchers that liked to share and listen; and that strive to constantly change and grow. Free Skools have always been a source of inspiration to me.

Teachy teachers drive me nuts. In the group of teachers with whom I most recently worked, the unsolicited advice ran thick as pea soup. And god forbid if one (me) were to tell the teachy teachers that their advice is unneeded… ”Oh, of course it is (even if you don’t know it, we all know I am more competent/experienced than you are)” or “I was just trying to help (miss know-it-all).”

Not being called back to teach removes me from my current profession. Amazingly, that sounds nice to me…being removed from my profession. But how to survive? For now I get my unemployment. Truth is that, right now, I couldn’t survive within this capitalist socio-economic system without government “handouts” or a bread-winning head-of-household man. The elite and upper class create and perpetuate this system that benefits themselves not the rest of us. Welfare programs are not about charity or social welfare, but are used, along with the middle-class buffer (which hasn’t existed throughout much of history) in order to avoid social upheaval and class war (brace yourself). A look into Western history, clearly demonstrates that when social welfare programs are decimated and the middle-class shrinks, the upper-classes have a tussle on their hands. Where the poor and dispossessed are able to eek out the basic necessities of life and the middle-class is a good healthy size, the rich always have an easier time usurping the societies and natures resources. Unfortunately our social and environmental resources are disappearing but greed is not.

Am I getting off track? The thing is that I can’t hold down a regular job. I couldn’t do it when it was only me, and I definitely can’t do it now that I am the sole caretaker of a young child. I used to think I could do anything if I put my mind to it. Once upon a time, I was considered incapacitated, for emotional and mental reasons, but I did believe I could work if I really wanted to. I am no longer considered incapacitated, but I can tell you I am now very sanely sure that I can not hold a regular job. I can not accept the rat race in lieu of meaningful work. And it isn’t because I am lazy; I work all the time. For example, yesterday I did some writing, I practiced the bass AND guitar, I cleaned the house, I dug up all the blackberry bushes from the backyard, I minded a friends child, I researched the cultivation of cherry trees, planned a garden bed, mothered, and even got a little bit of paid work done.

So I use the tools I have at my disposal to live a bearable, meaningful, and even joyful life. I don’t get straight up welfare, but benefit from other programs that help me circumvent the need for money. If I don’t judge my friends who work in finance and own stocks, I don’t see how anyone could judge me for using our tax dollars to live a full creative life.