re-entry into life, rethinking the blog

As my crazy work schedule winds down, I find myself mired in the chaos of an unattended life. Not the good kind of chaos, the uncomfortable kind. The house in total disarray and me lacking the energy to do anything about it. The regret of missing the beginning of what seems to be the biggest social movement in my adult life. A feeling of estrangement from my daughter and fear of loosing our connection. A feeling of estrangement from society. The realization that in doing everything that I do, I can’t do anything well. Many things aren’t working, and as I reenter my life I see an opportunity to make some major decisions about it. I need to pair down.

I have started with the decision to forget working in public education. I can not meld into the professional world. I have spent too much time trying to fit into places that I don’t and I am done. And I hate the way that it has made me constantly want to correct people’s grammar (especially people’s tendency to use adjectives in place of adverbs). I loved the fluidity of the English language before it was netted in my standardization and Webster.


But outside education I am a writer, a videographer, and artist, a musician, a single parent, an activist, a “home educator,” an intellectual, a traveler and wanderer, a member of the working class, an urban homesteader…how do I manage? I want to spend time with people too!

I shall start with integration.

Video is a great tool. It is a job I feel comfortable doing. It is an outlet for creativity. It is something I can be paid for. It is a project I can do with my daughter, and help her learn. It is a way to document. Video is a tool for activism.

Writing is something I love. It keeps me sane. It is a form of activism for me. I recently stopped journaling after reading an article from someone I respect saying that in order to be a “famous “ writer, I should write for others, and not waste time journaling to myself. I took the advice and it had devastating effects. For me, writing is not only a mode of communication with the outside world, but a mode of communication with my inner self. I am an introvert and much of me is deeply buried. Writing is an exercise in digging. I am working on adding journaling back into my life. When I journaled regularly I liked my writing.

I am rethinking my blog. What is it here for? I liked it when more mothering was happening in my blogging. When my mothering looked like acts of rebellion. But really I guess it still is. I feel strong in my ideas about how to raise my daughter without regular schooling, at least for the short term. I have plans. I am determined to have a life that doesn’t revolve around my daughter as well. And integrated life is an act of rebellion.

I don’t feel like tackling the other stuff on my list right now…

We will see where all the sticks fall as I come out of super worker mode. 55 hour work weeks plus 6-7 hours of commute time is a lot, even for a hip mama. The cat is laying herself on my wrists as I type this.

Selling the body and the mind

Taking a minute to write. Something I haven’t done in a while. I worked 25 hours in on Saturday/Sunday. Might pull the same thing again tomorrow. Work comes in waves it seems. Just the way I like it. I had been remembering fondly my days working on the fish processor boats in Alaska. We would work all day every day for months, and then be set free with a large check to explore the world, or support our families. Some people think I am crazy for liking that sort of work, but I do. For one it is work. Like real honest work, and something of value is actually being produced. I have always been confused by people’s fear of work. Maybe because “labor” is so poorly paid. I was just saying a month ago, that if I could take my kid onto a fish processor boat in Alaska, that is what I would do.

When I work 30, 40, or even 25 hours a week for someone else, then go home and love my child and my garden, there is little time for me to work on my own creativity - writing, video, music, etc. My mind is dominated by a job. If my mind is already going to be dominated by a job (i.e. be a slave to it), I would much rather just be a “worker” full tilt every day all day and then get paid and go on my way, have my days back to do the things I want to do. I find it sad that so many people go through their life never really sure what they want to do…since we spend it working at a job or looking for a job.

I got a job on a farm. My daughter hangs out on the farm with the kids of the farm owners and the ponies and goats, and dogs…you get the picture. I do that 40-50 hours a week over 4 days. I don’t have to use my creativity or brain-power to make someone rich. The farm-owners pay 160% of the going rate for the workers (cause they are self-proclaimed socialists who shy away from buying machines to replace humans and play great music). My mind is free to have its own thoughts as I work (and I have jotted some amazing stuff down during my long hours). I may have to sell my body to make a life for my daughter and I but at least I don’t have to sell my mind. And I have always found labor work environments so much more tolerable and lively than the average office.

I also am partnered with a couple non-profits, both for whom I work about 6.5 hours a week for- admin, desktop publishing and video. So I work about 13 hours a week outside of the farm job. These jobs feel good. The farm job will last a two or three more weeks. Then the harvesting will be mostly over. I will be able to buy a bass amp, some clothes, pay off the credit cards, rethink my blog, join (physically) the Occupy Movement with my daughter (there’s talk of renting an RV at the farm), take my disabled mom (who lives off $850 a month) on a wonderful trip somewhere beautiful, and Ramona will finally get to meet her dad in Costa Rica.