Watching her grow by letting go...

I was trying to write a blog on the pressures and expectations of society on parents, making “good parenting” very difficult.  I love how my writing takes on a life of its own.  The ideas that want to come out are the ones that will come out when it is time, or I suffer as I write. 

I have heard that babies are the hardest to take care of, as they take up the most time and energy, need every demand met because they can do nothing for themselves. The first years were a piece of cake compared to the confusion of young childhood.  When Ramona was born, her physical separation from my body was only a small beginning of what has been a slow and gradual event.  I have heard that babies don’t comprehend that there exists the Different, Separate, Individual.  My own conception of self as separate became blurred when Ramona was born.  Since I care for myself by listening and following my own intuition and values, the same seemed natural to do for my child as well.  Easy Peasy.

I was a such a great mom, until sometime around the time Ramona turned three.  As Ramona began to explore her own needs, desires, likes and dislikes, I am finding that I have to spend more time contemplating Ramona in her individuality.  Sometimes she really puts me in my place!  While it has been difficult and confusing for me at times, I also have been delighting in watching her delight as she comes into her own.   

I remember the day clearly when she realized that it is okay to like something that I don’t like.  It had to do with cartoons.  I don’t like Scooby and I hate Sponge Bob.  But while I would never spend my hard earned money of these things for Ramona, but I don’t try to control (for the most part) what Ramona is exposed to outside of my home.  I feel the best way to learn about the world is to experience it, plus why would I want to create that “forbidden fruit” scenario that we as a culture seem so caught up on.  

First it was Scooby; she told me several times that she liked Scooby and I would always respond about how I don’t like Scooby.  One day I added that it was perfectly fine that she likes Scooby and I don’t and we began to discuss how it is normal that people like different things.  I pointed out how boring life would be if everybody liked the same thing all the time.  She was silent for a while as she pondered these new concepts and then I could almost see a wave of empowerment come over her.  She beamed at me and said, “Cause I really like some things that you don’t like!”  At the gym, a few days later, I mentioned when I picked her up from the “kids club” that I HATE Sponge Bob.  Ramona smiled at the childcare worker and happily announced, “Mama HATES Sponge Bob, but I LIKE SpongeBob!” Of course, this doesn’t mean Sponge Bob will ever emanate from our TV and I do try to explain why I don’t like certain things in a non-shaming way.  In my house, everything we watch  really needs to be acceptable to both of us.  Now in reflection, as I think about the times that I have worked with kids, I realize that many, if not most, kids don’t know that it is "okay" to like something that their parents don’t like.   In fact, I can reflect on my own life and actually remember hiding that I liked things that I didn’t think I was supposed to like.  Then I reached puberty and realized it on my own and thought my parents were lame. 

I have had one parent tell me that, “Well, children are peer-pressured and marketed into having certain desires anyway, at least I can point her in the right direction.”  I too believe that we can point the child in the right direction *by example.*  But I also think that when you dictate to a child what they should and shouldn’t like, you are reinforcing the logic of peer pressure and marketing, rather than helping them learn to think for themselves.  When you inspire and encourage children to explore their likes and wants outside of the expectations of others, you are reinforcing a more authentic life based on inner passions and self trust. There are so many experts, who have us worried about not fostering a sense of independence in our children.  When it comes to emotional attachment, we are encouraged to not let our children drink from the breast too long, or sleep in our beds or our rooms too long, send them out into childcare centers and preschools as soon as possible to be "socialized"…but when it comes to intellectual control the experts aren’t so vocal...deep thinkers might not be happy with the status quo.

If we can trust our children, we will often be presently surprised. While I also hate princesses, ESPECIALLY Disney princesses (just be really good and pretty and your handsome prince will come and save you), Ramona was completely taken by them at the beginning of the year.  She understood that I wasn’t into them (as I put it).  I do admit that I did try to deny the princess stuff at the beginning, but then questioned myself in that attempt to control her desire and inquiry and I changed.   I even let her attend “Fairy Princess Camp” at her ballet school, which was 85% princess and 15% fairy.  Eventually,  she realized that pink really isn’t that great (so old), that its hard to climb in dresses, and that you can’t have a whole lot of fun in sparkly princess shoes either.  She also realized that princessy girls aren’t that much fun to play with.  Now, while she likes a princess now and then, there are much more important things to do and think about.  That is a happy ending…one day I know that the ending might not be as happy for me, however, I will know that I have allowed my daughter to create herself through her own inclinations and that is more important to me than her having the same values as I do.  i sure as hell don't want her to have to wait until she is a teenager to start being able to experiment with her likes and desires!  i want her to enter her teen years with a good sense of self! 

Okay, so now the question is...do I get her that barbie looking Cinderella Doll that comes with her Magical Steed and sparkly hair clips that she really really really wants for her birthday (or Christmas)? YUCK! The jury is still out on this one. I just hope we can find something else that she really really wants!