Getting out of a rut and plastering my face all over my house

Well, I haven't been writing anything for public, just private. Self-medicating, being uninspired, feeling trapped, going though loss feelings, gaining an X-guy...and going camping!

And wow, what a difference a few days away makes. I have to say I would implode if I were not able to travel. Since I can’t afford to really travel right now, I went with my daughter up to Sierra Foothills, next to the most beautiful river that I know of. Though I didn’t get silence due to my chattering daughter, I did get out of the rut that staying in my town, in my house puts me into. The first night I spent hours laying in the tent worrying about things at home, but soon the change of scenery disrupted my worry/thought loop.

By the end of the trip I was refreshed and full of ideas and to get back to work on my home and garden, to work on my writing and to work on my music playing. X-guy was completely out of my mind and I felt relieved to be free of him finally, after two weeks loss feelings. I hadn’t realized how much energy he sucked and how unmanageable our relationship was until I was able to look at it in hindsight. I was suddenly so much more grateful for the friends I have (sometimes I can take my relationships for granted).

I also decided to tackle something that has been bothering me forever, something I need to change for my own personal growth. Though my daughter is beautiful and very photogenic, almost every time I see a picture of myself, I am repulsed. When I look in the mirror it isn’t so bad, occasionally I even think I am hot, but seeing my face and expressions frozen in time is usually sort of hideous for some reason. It is annoying. I am not very judgmental of the way others look, though sometimes very beautiful women make me uncomfortable. Maybe jealously…cause jealousy is uncomfortable. I don’t have a hard time seeing beauty in a lot of people. Many times it is their uniqueness that I find beautiful. But not when I look at me. I am often afraid to be seen without make-up.

Growing up, my sister was the pretty one. My sister hated me and made sure I knew I wasn’t wanted, that I was repulsive. I was also very awkward and an easy target for kids as well as always being the new kid at school. I was also often the only white kid in a sea of children brought up in poverty and under white oppression. What I am trying to say is that I grew up thinking I was ugly, repulsive, disgusting. Then as a teenager I started getting some attention. But what I noticed is that the attention always seemed to be hinged on how sexy or pretty I made-up myself. All superficial stuff. So then I was like, oh guys like this fakeness I can project. They don’t like me.

So when I was camping I took many many pictures of my self. No make-up, dirty, in the morning, whatever. I decided to print them all out on 8x11 pieces of paper and hang them around my house. Stare at them every day. Stop being repulsed by me and rather see me as clearly as possible. Get used to my face, begin to appreciate my face. Start to draw my face. Self portraits. See what I really look like and then learn to appreciate it and see the beautiful uniqueness in my own face. Is that being extreme? In a way I think it sounds crazy, but on the other hand, I am tired of being repulsed by myself.

It would also help in my relationships with men. I am always suspicious when someone compliments me. I have this feeling, way down inside that they are saying what they are saying cause they want sex or something else. That they say it to everyone. I get "You're Cute." somewhat regularly (what does that mean anyway), but that is about as meaningful as saying "good job" to a child. And then if I think they really do think I am pretty, then I am afraid for them to see me on a bad day, au natural. It is very unhealthy and something I need to grow out of. Thus, weeks of staring at me shall commence, soon.