This last while, I have found myself, after the worst 6-7 months of the decade, immersed total confusion. Circumstances have become better, but I am not sure what to do with them, with me. As I have written before, being all these things that I am, or say I am, or think I am - musician, writer, activist, anarchist, feminist, traveler, artist, mother, creative, intellectual etc. - is just so confusing and time consuming. Am I really all this stuff? Are they callings? Or are they just the labels that I have acquired? I know that many people don’t like to be labeled, and neither do I, but isn’t saying that you are anything labeling yourself? If you say you are a teacher, aren’t you labeling yourself? I see labels as an integral part of identity. But I have also come to know that sometimes acquiring labels, especially for long periods of time, hinders change. (I see this in mono-thinking conservatives and liberals all the time). It can be hard to shed a label once you have been wearing it for a while, even if it isn’t really you anymore. They can also lead to insecurities. “How can I be an artist if I am not even making art?”
When I was younger, I was very anti-label. I never tried to fulfill a roll, in fact I may have been actively trying to not do what what expected of me. I was just me, I liked it that way and damned if you tried to pigeon-hole me. Though I must admit, adults were good at labeling me. To my mother, I was “the creative child,” to the school I was an “at-risk” student. I ignored them.
I started dressing Death Punk/gothy not because I was one, but because I wore the clothes that I thought looked good. I had one goth friend, but didn’t hang out with goths for the longest time until they started gravitating towards me…if I dress like one am I one? And of course I am using the word goth to cover everything I was called (death rocker, death punk, goth, kooky spook, gutter goth…all variations). When I was around 22 or 23, I was labeled anarchist by a group of anarchists. It happened after a long discussion about my political views with a collective that was meeting at my house, that one of my roommates belonged too. I was quickly welcomed into the collective. Later I decided to adopt the label diligently, largely due to people’s misconceptions about anarchism. I have helped open up a lot of minds about the ideas that exist within the many nuances of anarchism. I expanded and still expand many people’s understanding of that particular label. I also don't want the black blocs and what some called “lifestyle anarchists” to dominate people perceptions about what anarchism is. But by this time I was being labeled a rocker.
I was also going to a digital art college at the time, and read a book called “Art and Fear” for one of my classes. At this point, I took the scary plunge and started calling myself an artist. Now for me, that was big, because my mother is a very serious artist. She often accuses other (most) artists as not making “real art.” So to me, calling myself an artist meant I had to make “real art.” And the story goes on…I acquired more labels through expressing who I was and doing the things I loved.
Now, I find myself confused. Not knowing who the hell I am and what the hell I am doing. So I am shedding labels the best I can. Going back to the young me, who rebelliously shunned labels. (Anothers one of my first labels – rebel). I am going to be me only. And I look at the Occupy movement and I wonder if the times are changing, and labels are becoming less useful…or maybe new ones are being created. The media and powers that be are furiously trying to label the movement. Labeling makes things easier to pick apart and analyze in superficial ways. It makes us be able to wrap our heads around something. They can’t wrap their heads around the movement. We can’t even wrap our heads around the movement. No one could define the complexity of the movement in words. Perhaps we could describe large parts of the movement via book and film. We can experience it. The truth is, we really can’t even wrap our head around the complexity of a single human being. We CAN experience being one. I wonder what labels OWS will adopt or be dubbed. I wonder what labels Occupy Petaluma will adopt or be dubbed.
So, this is a time of shedding. Not thinking about labels. Shedding some baggage. Refusing labels. I am looking forward to experiencing myself in the future. See what old labels come back, what new ones I might have adopted. Or if I just refuse to decide to ever call myself anything again.
