Working on Paradise

I was home for a day from camping, and then went to Mendocino to visit a friend. She happens to live in an intentional community. Its still forming. They have a beautiful house. Their first baby chicks ever hatched while we were there. So sweet. It was great and it was nice to feel so comfortable somewhere. I like it. Community. Self-sufficiency. They are eventually planning to be completely self-sufficient, off the grid, ect.

What else is great is that they live walking distance to a town. Boonville. In Mendocino County. I always picture the off-the-grid, intentional communities to be way out in the middle of nowhere for some reason. Off the grid can be in the middle of town! I used to live on the Mendocino Coast, which was amazing. When I spoke to people there, I didn’t feel like an alien like I do in most places. But due to the fact that I can’t weather the gray and fog and I got lonely so far from any urban center, I moved to Oakland, then Petaluma. Now Boonville is a little more populated that the Coast, closer to cities, and the weather is similar to here. And virtually no one wears make-up there. That right there sort of reflects the nature of the town. Fuck Fake, masks, status quo. Be your self. But then the grass is always greener on the other side. I would miss a music scene if I were there for one…

And I am not ready right now to move somewhere like that, or I would inquire on becoming a stakeholder. Right now I need to enjoy this place I just acquired, have some space and quiet for some inner searching and personal development. But it did inspire me to begin seeking likeminded people around me (I hear more and more are coming) and to work on my house, to bring back that feeling of self-sufficiency I was building a year or two ago. As soon as I got home I started working on making my home into a home, as well as writing on a piece I have been working on for a couple months called “Home.” I turned two dead areas of my yard into fertile (I hope) garden beds, planting carrots, beets, broccoli, snow and sugar peas. I moved two giant terra cotta pots to my upstairs porch which is the sunniest place I have to start my patio garden and Ramona planted a large pot of wildflowers in the yard. I started growing some sprouts in a jar today. AND I have begun looking at plans for building a small chicken coop, and asked my neighbors if they would mind chickens. Coincidentally, the neighbor behind my fence just got chickens yesterday. I am just a little nervous to ask the landlord. But I figure if I make the yard from a dead slab of dirt and weeds into a paradise, how can they say no? So I am working on the paradise part.

Getting out of a rut and plastering my face all over my house

Well, I haven't been writing anything for public, just private. Self-medicating, being uninspired, feeling trapped, going though loss feelings, gaining an X-guy...and going camping!

And wow, what a difference a few days away makes. I have to say I would implode if I were not able to travel. Since I can’t afford to really travel right now, I went with my daughter up to Sierra Foothills, next to the most beautiful river that I know of. Though I didn’t get silence due to my chattering daughter, I did get out of the rut that staying in my town, in my house puts me into. The first night I spent hours laying in the tent worrying about things at home, but soon the change of scenery disrupted my worry/thought loop.

By the end of the trip I was refreshed and full of ideas and to get back to work on my home and garden, to work on my writing and to work on my music playing. X-guy was completely out of my mind and I felt relieved to be free of him finally, after two weeks loss feelings. I hadn’t realized how much energy he sucked and how unmanageable our relationship was until I was able to look at it in hindsight. I was suddenly so much more grateful for the friends I have (sometimes I can take my relationships for granted).

I also decided to tackle something that has been bothering me forever, something I need to change for my own personal growth. Though my daughter is beautiful and very photogenic, almost every time I see a picture of myself, I am repulsed. When I look in the mirror it isn’t so bad, occasionally I even think I am hot, but seeing my face and expressions frozen in time is usually sort of hideous for some reason. It is annoying. I am not very judgmental of the way others look, though sometimes very beautiful women make me uncomfortable. Maybe jealously…cause jealousy is uncomfortable. I don’t have a hard time seeing beauty in a lot of people. Many times it is their uniqueness that I find beautiful. But not when I look at me. I am often afraid to be seen without make-up.

Growing up, my sister was the pretty one. My sister hated me and made sure I knew I wasn’t wanted, that I was repulsive. I was also very awkward and an easy target for kids as well as always being the new kid at school. I was also often the only white kid in a sea of children brought up in poverty and under white oppression. What I am trying to say is that I grew up thinking I was ugly, repulsive, disgusting. Then as a teenager I started getting some attention. But what I noticed is that the attention always seemed to be hinged on how sexy or pretty I made-up myself. All superficial stuff. So then I was like, oh guys like this fakeness I can project. They don’t like me.

So when I was camping I took many many pictures of my self. No make-up, dirty, in the morning, whatever. I decided to print them all out on 8x11 pieces of paper and hang them around my house. Stare at them every day. Stop being repulsed by me and rather see me as clearly as possible. Get used to my face, begin to appreciate my face. Start to draw my face. Self portraits. See what I really look like and then learn to appreciate it and see the beautiful uniqueness in my own face. Is that being extreme? In a way I think it sounds crazy, but on the other hand, I am tired of being repulsed by myself.

It would also help in my relationships with men. I am always suspicious when someone compliments me. I have this feeling, way down inside that they are saying what they are saying cause they want sex or something else. That they say it to everyone. I get "You're Cute." somewhat regularly (what does that mean anyway), but that is about as meaningful as saying "good job" to a child. And then if I think they really do think I am pretty, then I am afraid for them to see me on a bad day, au natural. It is very unhealthy and something I need to grow out of. Thus, weeks of staring at me shall commence, soon.

R at the Beach on Thursday

"This used to be a beautiful train track by the river and now they turned it into a beach."

What does a four year old know?

My daughter tried out shoplifting for the second time recently. I didn’t know about it for days. Then one day I notice her eating something, and I asked her about it. First she says a friend gave the candy to her, then confesses that she “snuck it” from the corporate copy shop. I explained to her that it was called stealing, not sneaking. Then I told her about all the horrible things that could happen if she were caught, and I talked about the police. Problem is that, though I don’t condone stealing from people or local businesses, I didn’t really care since its apparent to me that corporations steal a lot more from us than we do them. A friend of mine told me I should take her into the store, and make her give it back and apologize for stealing and that she would never do it again. I remember getting caught and embarrassed stealing as a young age and it just made me better at it. I also know that I would rather have an open line of communication with my daughter than shame her in public. Shaming isn't respectful, and respect is the central tenet in my personal child-rearing philosophy.

Last night I was closing the blinds so I could walk around my house naked. My daughter asked why. I told her it was because adults aren’t supposed to let strangers see them naked. She asks me what the police would do if someone was naked. I said I didn’t know, and what did she think they would do. She said that she thinks the person would get arrested, or if they were a girl they would get a ticket. I grilled her a little on her thinking, because I thought it sounded pretty accurate. After asking a couple times why boys get arrested and girls get tickets, she responded, “Because boys are just a little bit more nasty than girls.” Huh. She couldn’t tell me who told her that boys are nastier. She says she just knew it. I didn't contradict her, but I wonder if I should have. I like her to think that being female rocks, since it will probably get harder to think that as she gets older and is assaulted by our cultures twisted norms. .

Watching children grow very entertaining and a great learning experience if you are paying attention. I’ve been noticing other things, as in how different parenting styles and parent thought processes affect children in their development, beliefs and mannerisms. It is especially obvious between around 2.5 to about kindergarten, when they are old enough to be expressing themselves, but their thought processes have not yet been mediated by government schools.

Kids are fun.

(see look at that, one day off Facebook and I write two blogs. Now I am going to do some more writing and play the bass.)

no trip, no beer, no facebook

My tooth is going to cost me $230-300, so the road trip is postponed. I need to move farther towards the black before I go deeper into the red. I know, what a let down. I plan to re-evaluate in a couple weeks to see if I can go before the cold and rain start up north. But at least the dentist will be giving me an exam and x-rays, so I can see to what extent the corrosion that my mouth is in and what needs to happen to repair it. I am working on getting a temp job up north, and coupled with the tax return I usually get in Late February, I am determined that within the next 8 months Ramona gets to go to Costa Rica to meet her dad. And of course I will be armed with x-rays and the Spanish skills to locate an awesome dentist to make my mouth shine for 1/3 the price of American dentists. Besides repairs, I am also looking into slowly replacing all my metal fillings with composite ones. Metal makes me feel toxic. And amalgam fillings tend to have some of the more toxic metals in them.

Planning on taking a camping trip, just my daughter and I, to the American River next week to make ourselves feel better about no road trip. But I keep wondering if I should save the $50 in camping fees and $25 or so in gas and put it towards my road trip. Hmmmmm.

Well, none-the-less I will be doing some work to make my life less tempting to get away from. Like limiting myself to one (12 oz) beer a day maximum, drunk in my own home. I like drinking beer, but when I am not feeling great, I drink more, which makes me feel worse and more tired. I drink six or more beers a week in bars, the good kind. Six pints adds up to $30-36 dollars a week with tips. I could use that money to buy tools and wood to make garden beds, more art to make my house more comfortable, extra childcare to get more peace.

Another de-toxifying change I have made is to deactivate my facebook. It is too easy to distract myself on that thing. It was hard, but I just wrote a note on my calendar for two weeks from yesterday, saying that I can reactivate my account if I feel like it at that time. That way the decision doesn’t have to feel so big. Already, the first morning without, I was tempted by an awesome groupon deal to activate my facebook to share it. One of my favorite local cafes has a 61% off deal. I wanted all my friends to know…and of course if my friends sign on to groupon because of my suggestion, I get $10 towards other groupon deals, see how that can get insidious? Life on the internet is insidious. I was sort of disgusted with myself. What have I become? I do love groupon though.

I can't not go...Road Trip

I just decided to go on a road trip. I don’t even feel like I have a choice. At first it was just a two or three day excursion, that turned into the hope for a couple weeks of aimless meandering up the Northwest Coast and back. A few days is nice, but sometimes it takes a few days to even get my mind unstuck and prepped for cleansing and expanding. Exploring the world around me has a mirror effect on my inner life. I explore the internal landscapes of my psyche.

I was practically born on the road, my mom switched towns every couple years and took road trips often. Traveling clears my head, brings me to the place of my rhythm and towards clarity. Whenever I return from a trip, I am open, inspired, and with a new grasp of reality. I helps me to connect better with those whom I am spending time with...without the everyday life interruptions and distractions.

The thing that has been the hardest for me, since I have had my child is being tied down to a place. It is mostly due to finances…money goes towards different things when you have a child and a home. I am still in debt from moving, but I need to go now, to preserve my sanity. I may try to make it all the way to Bellingham, my hometown, but am trying to think of ways to at least make the extra $200 I will need for gas, even considering spare changing along the road. (If anyone reading this has any ideas for earning cash in the next 3 or 4 days let me know.) I am also reaching out to friends and acquaintances for possible places to crash and avoid camping and motel fees. We may even bring our kitten, Dora Maar.

And I will Blog my experience. So stayed tuned.

I would rather gut fish in Alaska than teach an a "professional" bureaucracy.

The adult school called yesterday to let me know that they don’t have any classes for me to teach this year. I felt like the tethers were being cut. At the same time, the insecurity of my whole life situation was bumped up a few notches. Another piece of my life liberated into the dark unknown.

I am supposed to have a job, but I had been secretly dreading the call for me to return to work. The cheerful voice of my supervisor on the phone had me thinking my life was going to revert to last year’s program, which I was going to cheerfully accept, as I am a teacher after-all. Instead, she cheerfully told me that they had nothing for me. I am not sure if it was because funds were cut (as is in the yearly recipe) or if they just decided to give my class to someone that “fits.” I am pretty sure the latter was at least partially responsible. My class still exists and last month they advertised a position on the site, that no one mentioned to me. Did they see through my professional façade and discover the truth; that deep down I would rather gut fish in Alaska that teach in a “professional” bureaucracy? I could at least taste freedom working long hours for shit pay on a boat. Professionalism tends to own us, forcing us to not only pimp out our bodies, but our minds as well. And of course to be a professional these days just means you jump though hoops and log in hours in a classroom to get your piece of paper that says you are a professional, NOT that you are actually good at anything.

No teaching job. What does that mean? I am no longer a “teacher?” Everyone always said I would make a great teacher. Don’t I need a teaching “job” to be a teacher? Am I a hack if I just share knowledge, skills, experience, insight? Luckily, I have been blessed to have friends divulge, unsolicited, what it is that I have taught them just by being what I am, doing what I do and saying what I say. The greatest teachers in my life have just been curious learners and researchers that liked to share and listen; and that strive to constantly change and grow. Free Skools have always been a source of inspiration to me.

Teachy teachers drive me nuts. In the group of teachers with whom I most recently worked, the unsolicited advice ran thick as pea soup. And god forbid if one (me) were to tell the teachy teachers that their advice is unneeded… ”Oh, of course it is (even if you don’t know it, we all know I am more competent/experienced than you are)” or “I was just trying to help (miss know-it-all).”

Not being called back to teach removes me from my current profession. Amazingly, that sounds nice to me…being removed from my profession. But how to survive? For now I get my unemployment. Truth is that, right now, I couldn’t survive within this capitalist socio-economic system without government “handouts” or a bread-winning head-of-household man. The elite and upper class create and perpetuate this system that benefits themselves not the rest of us. Welfare programs are not about charity or social welfare, but are used, along with the middle-class buffer (which hasn’t existed throughout much of history) in order to avoid social upheaval and class war (brace yourself). A look into Western history, clearly demonstrates that when social welfare programs are decimated and the middle-class shrinks, the upper-classes have a tussle on their hands. Where the poor and dispossessed are able to eek out the basic necessities of life and the middle-class is a good healthy size, the rich always have an easier time usurping the societies and natures resources. Unfortunately our social and environmental resources are disappearing but greed is not.

Am I getting off track? The thing is that I can’t hold down a regular job. I couldn’t do it when it was only me, and I definitely can’t do it now that I am the sole caretaker of a young child. I used to think I could do anything if I put my mind to it. Once upon a time, I was considered incapacitated, for emotional and mental reasons, but I did believe I could work if I really wanted to. I am no longer considered incapacitated, but I can tell you I am now very sanely sure that I can not hold a regular job. I can not accept the rat race in lieu of meaningful work. And it isn’t because I am lazy; I work all the time. For example, yesterday I did some writing, I practiced the bass AND guitar, I cleaned the house, I dug up all the blackberry bushes from the backyard, I minded a friends child, I researched the cultivation of cherry trees, planned a garden bed, mothered, and even got a little bit of paid work done.

So I use the tools I have at my disposal to live a bearable, meaningful, and even joyful life. I don’t get straight up welfare, but benefit from other programs that help me circumvent the need for money. If I don’t judge my friends who work in finance and own stocks, I don’t see how anyone could judge me for using our tax dollars to live a full creative life.