Who's Obsessed with Barbie?

Well, we ended up getting a Barbie just hours after I wrote my post “Barbie!” and what a long strange trip its been. I was tickled to see my daughter so excited and delighted with her new toy. For $2.59 of Ramona’s money and a Kohl’s Cash Coupon, we brought home a brand new perfectly beautiful, plastic, made in China, blonde haired, blued-eyed beach Barbie and a set of three outfits for her and Sandra (Ramona’s former Casual Black, bought at a roadside thrift store, Beach Barbie) to share, though they spend most of their time in the buff. Having bought such a loaded toy HAS been a learning experience for us (I was told by a little bird that Barbie has some lessons to teach). So yeah, I want to help my child make thoughtful choices, not ban her from making her own choices, even if I think they a bad. It is hard work to parent in this way…but more on that in my next post.

While many folks would think, “No big deal, its just a Barbie.” I'm just not that person no matter how hard I try. The first thing that happened is that Ramona, at not quite four years of age, has trouble getting on many of the Barbie clothes. So I had to do the dressing much of the time. One afternoon, as I was resting in the bed after a long day, Ramona dropped off Barbie, her clothes and a brush for me to help her get ready for “the party” and then went off to “set up the party.” I carefully dressed the doll and brushed her luxurious hair. As I was lying there tenderly smoothing Barbie’s clothes, admiring her, I came to my senses. Oh my, am I not even immune to the seduction of Barbie?!? I was dazzled by perfect little Barbie! And I was enjoying it! The nostalgia had gotten to me; perfect plastic smile beautiful Barbie. I still have a place for Barbie in my heart, it seems.

But after a couple days, and more conversations about Barbie, I began getting paranoid. When my sister asked me what Ramona might want for Christmas and I mentioned that she likes Barbies, my sister said, “I am not going to be that person that buys her barbies. I am not going to be that influence.” Then another friend really clobbered my with a statement that I had been trying to deny in my own inner Barbie babble. She said (or rather facebooked), “No intelligent, self respecting women would like Barbie.” Could it be true? Didn’t I secretly like Barbie? Was it a reflection on my own character? Soon, I found myself shuddering whenever Ramona would ask me if she could take her Barbies with her to public places, like the park. What would other mother’s think? That I was a bad mom? Shallow mom? A non self-respecting mom giving my daughter’s bad role models? And what if they knew that I like Barbie too!?! And what if only kids who played with Barbies started making friends with her…or what if Ramona was a bad influence on kids who couldn’t have Barbies? And what would their mothers think of me?…

Eventually, Barbie herself began to wear on me. Ramona continued talking about the Barbie world that she would have one day. Everything about Barbie is about being pretty and buying stuff. Glam Mansion, Pink Cars, poodles, TVs, YUCK! She also kept talking about playing with her old friend Jade. Jade who collects Barbies. Who has the Barbie Mansion. Whose dad sells real estate and drives a beamer; whose mom plays tennis and buys her daughter’s their hearts desire. Ramona also wanted to show her Barbies to her other friends. I realized that Barbie was becoming Ramona's early experience in either a) social status based on “having” or b) a way to connect via mutual playthings (perhaps a bit of both). One of the most important things I learned in grad school is that the important question is not “What is it?” but “What does it do?” (Thank you Targol) Buying a Barbie IS more than just buying a Barbie, and it was about to be even more if I didn’t figure something out quickly. The doll is loaded, I tell you. At least for us.

Now that Ramona and I were able to spend time with the dolls, determine what the doll was about in our lives, we began having constructive conversations about Barbies and things related to Barbie. We talked a bunch about plastic and consumerism again. And when Ramona told me that she wanted to collect Barbies like Jade, I realized that for her, it might not be about specifically Barbie as much as I thought and also that I must not be the only mother in this position. Ramona likes dolls that look like people, not baby people, but people. There must be an alternative. We ended up finding the Only Heart Club Girls. They look like preteen girls and since young girls like to do things in imaginative play that young girls do in real life, why would we give them adults? The Only Hearts Girls aren’t hyper-consumers, they care about friendship (though there aren't any boys...yet) and are “wholesome (so far).” They have way less plastic on their bodies, their rooms are made from cardboard and wood, their pets are plush with wire, there are books available with soft and squishy morals of friendship, sharing, sacrifice and compromise…but they are still made in China. However, It was such a relief to find a better doll for Ramona to collect and invite her friends over to play with.

Due to the Barbie ordeal, Ramona has learned a ton. I have been happy to watch her develop a real, grounded understanding of plastic and consumerism. The lessons of real life, life in context, are the perfect learning tools. She is now quite versed (for such a young girl) on the problems with consumerism and especially plastic. Lucky for us, as all of this was coming to a head, this music video about plastic bags was released:



… which really got our conversations flowing on that topic and actually got me reinvested in cutting our plastic again (I feel I have become a bit more lax than I used to be in the last year). Ramona watched the video six times. This later led us to some Youtube clips about the massive garbage (mostly plastic) island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean and discussions about reducing, reusing, recycling (in that order) PCBs, PBAs and other toxins in our food and water supplies, etc.

The intense desire of the young child matched against the ideological allegiance of the mother could have led to a simple denial of Barbies, perhaps ending in feelings of powerlessness and disappointment and statements such as “you will understand when you get older,” but instead we were able to negotiate and work things through to an outcome we are both happy about. I was able to uncover my own love and hate for Barbies, which will still take some processing on my part and Ramona was able to understand something by her own learning process in the spontaneous environment a slightly unstructured life can provide. She was able to exercise control over her decision.

Ramona has two Barbie’s and will soon have a Barbie disguised as a princess that will arrive this Christmas…no problem. Ramona is no longer obsessed with the things and she is looking forward to her Only Hearts World.

I just feel like complaining.

Mothering alone is hard. It isn’t even that I want to go out and party, I just want to do all that activist stuff I used to do! I never realized how much activism had to do with my mental and emotional health, and sometimes, when you responsibilities are so many and your ability to concentrate is so limited one can just be overwhelmed. I feel stuck. I feel irritated. Yet at the same time, I am doing things. Just slowly. I am a worker bee. I make websites. I talk with people. I grow food. I care for my family. I get jealous about those who I know who seem to have the freedom to shake things up the way that I wish I could, have co-parents that actually do take responsibility for half of the child-minding. But also, there are just no groups of people doing any sort of activist activities that really excite me much around here. In fact there are no groups of people doing much of anything that excites me much around here. I can't even find a dance studio for Ramona and I to be a part of that isn't the same, run of the mill ballet school that performs the Nutcracker every year. Bah! (There is one in Berkeley, an hour away.)

I know that I was recently writing about how activism is in everyday life, promoting anarchist principals in the real world, blah, blah, blah…and how I have turned to this inner journey, but sometimes that gets boring. Inner work is really hard! At least with being active in your community and seeing the work you do having positive effects on the community and making connections are constant reminders that you are important, worthwhile...it is hard to do that for oneself. I miss activist community.

I can’t even write anything more complex than a Blog, due to the constant interruptions in life. Mothering gets no respect! I need to do some planning and scheming. But I feel stuck. Once, when I didn't have a kid, taking off was always an option. A change of pace to free the mind. I took a trip about every six months. Ahhhhhh! October was six months! I'm overdue! But right now, I am in debt which equals NO TRIP!

Journaling is always good for focusing and freeing the mind and soul. So off I go.

BARBIE!

I am trying to attribute Ramona’s teary-eyed emotional Barbie outbursts to the time change. She’s been having Barbie attacks. I don’t know how else to describe them. Sort of like a panic attack, but all around Barbie.

About a year ago, during a road trip, we picked up a beach Barbie at a thrift store in the desert…I never imagined what our Barbie future would hold.

Recently she was all into the princesses that Mattel makes, they look like Barbies, just enough that Ramona calls them Barbies. Since she was so persistent in knowing what she wanted for her birthday/Christmas, and I don’t want her to be one of those kids who never gets what they want as gifts, I went ahead and bought one off Ebay as a gift from Santa and hid it in the closet. But then she got seriously obsessed with Barbies. I am not really sure how it happened. We saw her friend Bella holding a Barbie in the car a couple weeks ago…after Ramona had spent the day trying to become her best friend. The there is her old friend Jade who has lots and lots of Barbies, but she hasn’t played with Jade since April. hmmmm.

Perhaps we walked by them one too many times and with every Barbie brush-off from me, her frustration and fascination intensified. The other day I made the mistake of letting her look online with me at Barbies. Amazon has some little commercial clips for Barbie things. We ended up having an altercation after she watched a certain commercial countless numbers of times. And this girl doesn’t just want a Barbie, but a whole “Barbie WORLD.”

i brought it up with some friends. My friend O pleaded that I don’t deny her so long that a friend of hers takes pity on her and lets her borrow a Barbie, as had happened to O as a child. The humiliation following her into adulthood. My advice from another is to talk to her about why I don’t like Barbie and why I won’t buy them. I have done this with certain things like SpongeBob, but Barbie is serious, and Ramona DOES feel that she is being deprived without them. Another friend said to buy some, but keep pointing out why she is not a great toy. Well, she is plastic…but so is almost every other doll. I do point out all the plastic. She knows about plastic. There is the problem with Barbie’s body and how unreal it is and how women could never achieve such plastic perfection, but Ramona isn’t even four and sees very little advertising and I honestly don’t think is even aware of what Barbie’s body means yet or that she wants to grow up to be Barbie (who would want to grow up to be a doll anyway?). Ramona actually brags about her big soft round belly. Another friend told me I should tell her I don’t like Barbie cause real women don’t look like that, but Ramona is sharp enough to know that her dolls that are made of natural materials look even less like people so that argument is bunk. Another friend said, “I actually like Barbies, and they’re not as bad as they used to be.” True...Barbies don’t have huge boobies like they used to. They come in all colors. And their feet are no longer made to fit those super high heels, just pumps. Barbie has mellowed in her age…at least the one we have has. What a hub-bub about a doll!

My biggest argument against Barbie is the plastic consumerism. This is what I talk about with my daughter. Trashing the earth with plastic and trying to coerce people to buy too much of what they don’t need. Making people feel inferior without, or like they would be happy if only they had some useless thing...I also talk with her about how the folks who make those big Barbie houses probably don’t even make enough money to buy one. They truth is that that argument falls true for almost any plastic toy you could buy at a run of the mill toy store. The truth is that, deep down inside, that I am worried about Ramona becoming trapped in her gender. She was such a tough kid, I am worried about peer pressure and her ever feeling like she needs to like certain things or have certain things to be feminine and popular. It really isn't about Barbie at all...

So I am about to do the typical American thing, and let Ramona earn money to buy a Barbie. Or is that typically American anymore? Maybe the stereotypical American just buys their little girl whatever they want. Anyway, she has earned a dollar and will probably do the same today. She already had 3, and we just got a $10 gift card in an ad from Kohls I guess I will give her. We plan to go and pick out a Barbie after school today (because waiting a month for an almost three year old is torture, I do remember that kind of excitement. I used to puke and get sick just before Christmas every year).

I know a lot of mothers who wouldn't go there, because Ramona will eventually get over not having a Barbie. I am not sure that "not having" because of my fears about consumer culture, when she "could have" is really the best way to help children develop values. And what am I really afraid of? Truth is, she isn’t really “like that” anyway...super girly-girl. She has never much been into baby dolls, or dolls at all, like girls are supposed to be. The more I resist, the more Ramona wants. That is one law of Ramona’s nature that I can attest too. I want Ramona to trust herself. I want her to develop her own values (as much as she can) and then decide for herself if she wants or doesn't want a Barbie.

One friend wrote me, “I was totally obsessed with Barbies. Mainly because I wasn't allowed even to play with other kids barbies. I did get over it by school age.”

I loved Barbie until I was about 13, I was mostly denied, since I grew up in poverty, except for when my dad got me one and a friend gave me one. Denial of things does not teach kids to not value them. Letting kids learn and experience things empowers them. Empowering children is worth working toward...trying to blame a doll for children's body insecurities isn't thinking things through. I remember Teen and Women's magazines making me feel bad about my body, not a plastic doll. What I hope is that one day Ramona will decide on her own that she doesn’t NEED a barbie, and that I can be a roll model, support, a listening ear for her and not an enforcer and denier. That I can help her feel empowered enough to make choices that value depth, diversity, love of earth, dignity etc. I don’t know if it is actually the Barbie that I don’t like. Maybe I kinda like Barbie still, deep down inside. It is really the essence of Barbie, what she symbolizes, that plastic, shallow, hyper consumption that is oh so evident in the commercials. The way they use her work children into a frenzy, driving their parents into hyperconsumerism. And then there is that annoying girl who has all the barbies and Barbie stuff, but no sense of identity...I remember her.

I would rather Ramona play with Barbies than watch Barbie commercials.

anarchist mama; thoughts on community, ideology.

The other night we went to the Day of the Dead Celebration. It was a hit. It seems to get better every year, luckily there was no rain to rain on our parade. I had this peculiar feeling of being home, in my community at its best. It was my fourth Day of the Dead in Petaluma, I have been here just over three years. Less and less do I feel like I need a group of "radicals and anarchists" to feel part of a community. Yes, I am an anarchist mom. I dedicate my time to dismantle power (from above, that is) while cultivating grassroots and personal power (or power from within). When I was more deeply involved in anarchist groups and collectives, the question persistently asked was, “How do we get people to join us?” My natural inclination was to respond with, “We don’t get folks to join us. We join them.” The truth is that the lifestyle of the average anarchist group is just not attractive to most people (and vice-versa). Anarchist principles are helpful when practiced in the general public than small bands of radicals. As change becomes more and more inevitable, as our old unsustainable and unjust ways of living and institutions crumble, anarchist principles and ways of organization have begun to be explored and integrated (but we usually don't have to call them anarchist, it makes people jumpy).

As people realize that we can’t depend on government or rich people and their corporations to make things function well for the rest of us, we look to more grassroots ways of organizing. Which is where anarchist theory is based. Power of the people. Direct Democracy, deep democracy, consensus building, self-government, mutual aid, crushing hierarchy, radical self-theory, taking our lives into our own hands, localizing power...localizing everything. Horizontal organization and co-operation without coercion. The time is right, as folks are fed up and joining horrible groups like the Tea Party in reaction to big government, there needs to be a better movement towards freedom from too much control.

But back to community. My money-centered, gender-normative community… I am often pleasantly surprised. As I come more and more into myself, as I learn to trust my instincts and my own strengths and convictions and not worry so much what the “community at large” will think, and as I root myself deeper into my community and value it, I realize I am not so different. Instead of quietly becoming jaded and critical, I open my mouth and say crazy things with faith (or hope?) that what I say will find fertile soil.

But what is community anyway? What is an "activist community" or progressive community? Perhaps an activist community is a place to feel connected. But at the same time, are communities today to be groups of people who think alike? In this country, in this day, community cannot mean what it once meant, because we have changed. We are not a homogeneous group or tribe. It is normal to want a groups of comrades, but we pride ourselves so much on individuality and diversity, so shouldn’t we celebrate that, even if our neighbor voted for Bush? Community building is as much an inner journey as an outer one. Learning to live with and connect with the Other, this is where the real work of building community comes from. Community can no longer be about feeling comfortable, if anything, it ought to be about coalition building. At least, perhaps we need to understand and differentiate between two kinds of community. An intentional community of folks working toward a common goal, and a community of neighbors, where we learn to live together, create dialog, breach “the aisle.”

An Activist Community is a bit incapacitated unless it engages with and becomes part of the community at large. Community building is acting from where you are, with those you live with. Change starts locally, things change when people change, because the government won't change until we do. My utopia isn’t so different from the majority of the other utopias in the minds of so many folks around here (land of the liberals). I am just crazy enough to deschool my mind and head for the Utopian horizon. Three steps forwards...two and half steps back...I do it for my daughter. If things don't change, if the dominant ideology stays intact, I may survive my life with relative ease, but it is Ramona's life her friends lives and her children's lives (if she chooses to have them) that will suffer at our inaction as a society.

To me, mothering is about caring, which goes beyond sleep training, schools, educational toys, etc. You don't even really have to be a mother to mother. It is about caring for the life and the world that our children are entering into. Mothering is political. Caring is an action, or it ought to be. Mothering is about building our utopia today, in all the ways that we can. The future is now.

The media that dominates and propaganda may confuse and manipulate the so-called “sheeple” but people are becoming more awake with a desire for a different better way of life, evolution, that stays intact in the ocean of misinformation and hidden agendas (while some others are fighting to stay in denial/asleep). I think that people can sense an era ending. The mechanistic mind, industrialization, capitalism vs communism…all so passé. The ideas that I once thought too radical to spout all over Petaluma just aren’t. Decentralize Everything. It’s more democratic, its more fulfilling, its more sustainable, its more productive. And it creates the one thing that I hear folks around here (especially mothers) pining for. Community. Communities are arising throughout the world as the major site of struggle against oppression, consumer culture and environmental destruction and for dignity. These remarkable communities are mostly located in what we call the Global South, but it could happen here. Maybe it already is.

Or am I getting too far ahead of myself?

rad·i·cal adj.
1. Arising from or going to a root or source; basic: proposed a radical solution to the problem.
2. Departing markedly from the usual or customary; extreme: radical opinions on education.
3. Favoring or effecting fundamental or revolutionary changes in current practices, conditions, or institutions: radical political views.
4. Linguistics Of or being a root: a radical form.
5. Botany Arising from the root or its crown: radical leaves.
6. Slang Excellent; wonderful.