disconnection

I am wondering about where to take this blog these days. I have started blogging at Hipmama.com, but really just reposting my posts from this blog. It seems like it wants to morph into some sort of processing blog. I guess when I am confused or changing, the things I have to say become so much less concrete and feel less important.

This blog is called revolutionaryma. I feel like it needs to be about being a mama. My head is caught up is so much stuff, I feel like one of those strange little clay people my daughter makes. Writing about being a mama is hard. But all my writing is mama writing. I can't write anything unaffected by mama. But right now I am thinking about change. Changing my location, changing myself. Ascension, living now (this one is so important right now), growing around obstacles, letting strength/power flow into my and others lives.

When things get hard, I find it harder to love me. This leaves me feeling unconnected, and when I feel unconnected I feel alone. When I don’t love myself I don’t like what I do or have. I become discontent. When I feel discontent, I have a harder time (actively) valuing my life, my family. Suddenly I see discontentment in my child, the way she “needs” new toys as of late...wants to be passively entertained and taught by videos.

I remember being a child, the frustration in having to ask for everything - not having the power to take care of myself, meet my own needs. So repetitive, boring, frustrating…ask nicely, say please and thank you, be grateful…I wonder if when I become content again, will it be easier for her to feel contentment? How does one feel contentment? How do I feel contentment? Living now, growing around obstacles, letting power flow into my and others lives. Creative self-expression. My daughter complains of being bored. She wants to watch Bill Nye. Tune out, be passive. Isn;t there a time for passive? I am bored. I need a project, I need to create. Creation is self-expression and we are creative beings. But I seem to be letting life stop me from this very vital act. As if I don't have time, while I spend hours a day escaping into the internet.

I am missing a closeness with Ramona these days. I makes me very sad and like myself less. I remember being so connected. Understanding her needs. She didn’t have to tell me what she wanted/needed, I knew. Right now we are caught up in being complicated people. I don’t want that. I want a situation where I have a little more control of life. Struggle can be a killer of creativity…but then, maybe its what gives creation meaning/backbone…where am I going with this? Do I just need to give into the cycles?

Soon I will being posting vignettes from my childhood here in the near future. Vignettes from the Underground