My Christmas Post - gratitude

This last month of my life has been a testament of my tenacity. Even though I have been kicked out of my home, audited by unemployment, my kitty companion of 12 years has been diagnosed with cancer tripling my credit card debt at a time when my income is at a, what? ten year low? Meanwhile my mother’s (who lives with me, who I was planning to finally move away from in Spring) income has been reduced to a mere $189 a week while she simultaneously has to find a place and get ready for knee surgery and look for a job and I am the only one who seems to want to help her. I pulled my shoulder last night, I have humongo zits on my face (I always get them when I stress out), I feel guilty for ignoring my daughter to pay attention to all the chatter in my head and I am still lonely.

But I find myself breathing through it. As yoga has strengthened my body, it has helped strengthen the rest of me as well. It not just yoga, but I tend to keep going back to the practice in my mind when I feel things coming to a critical point.

Though I have been afraid, stressed, I have not fallen into the downward spiral of despair. What I have done in the last month is decorated the Christmas tree (which I kept alive since last year!), thrown a party for my daughter (which means I cleaned the house), taken her to two other birthday parties, passed my audit with flying colors (and THEY might even owe me), searched for a home, completed and turned in all my end of the semester paperwork on my students, secured a part-time administrative position I can do from home, began tutoring a new client, embraced Christmas, come to terms with the fact that I will probably have to make a decision soon to help my kitty friend transition out of this world with as little pain as possible. And I have loved my daughter as best I can.

Stress has in the past lead to anxiety, depression, paralysis, giving up, running away, completely unraveling my life into the downward spiral to homelessness, joblessness, institutionalization, hopelessness. I think I am done doing that. I have always had grit, but now I use it in a much more positive way. And there is one other thing. I love my daughter to no end. She brings out the best in me; I have courage for two now. Sometimes it’s okay to change for someone else. I want to be worthy of that girls love. And I am.

And then there is my mother. I see her become less and less able to handle her on stuff; becoming more helpless with her age, health and in this economy. If I crash and burn I’m taking a few people with me.

Action is the remedy to despair…In my years of surviving my life in the dirty forgotten cracks of society I have learned to be a survivor, not a victim.

Thank you universe for showing me what I can do, and what kind of person I am.

Happy Holidays, Y’all.