Been feeling like all this radical parenting stuff comes from such a privileged place. I guess I am feeling that cause right now I don't feel so privileged. Unschooling? Are you kidding? When you are constantly under financial and social pressure, it is hard to do much more than survive. But maybe that is what makes it radical. Refusing to "just survive."
I think a weekly trip to the beach is in order until we have moved. I just got back from anther beach trip. It brought me, again, back to myself and my life, look at things for what they are right now and enjoy the bountiful beauty. When I’m stressed and worried, the cars, the bustle, the computer, the chit chat (what’s up?), technology, rat race, it all takes me out of myself and the here and now. That broken connection with my daughter confirms my broken connection with the real universe in which I am living.
I am working on mending the little tears (lagrimas or roturas?) in my relationship with my daughter these days. She is growing so fast, I know it would be a mistake to miss anything. I want to be as close and connected to her as I can, as she grows into her own independence, a beautiful girl/woman. Things are changing so rapidly I don’t want to have any regrets. I know myself enough to know what is important to me and missing the growth of my daughter would be the biggest regret of all!
In just two months of stress, I see the effects on Ramona. She wants to watch TV in every moment at home that there isn’t something exciting going on, to be distracted, kind of like I do with the computer. It all became so apparent to me, my despair in loosing her a little, the other day. I lost it, I lost my mind because Ramona wanted to watch TV AGAIN! I had decided it was time to get back to where we were a couple months ago, hanging, doing projects, reading, talking. But no, she just wanted to watch TV, and I flew off the handle, maybe worse than I ever have. I am not a dictator, I try to let my daughter have control in her life, but I just lost it, so much that Ramona turned off the TV (I didn't order her to do so). She turned it off because I went wacky. Out of concern. Out of sadness and fright for some of the unfortunate things I said (yelled?). I shocked myself, but knew…something needs to change. I need to work on this. Things aren’t just magically going to return to some past happy memory on the flip of a dime cause I feel ready for it. Three months ago is history.
Things are going more smoothly now. The beach, a great trip indeed, and this time not cut short by the fog blowing in. This time we had hours finished off as we watched the sun set while eating our snacks in the car.
It is weird though, after our relationship interrupted, it feels awkward to take action to persuade change. Before we were on a nice continuum, unorchestrated, comfortable, “natural,” close. It is important to me to do this right. This is my only child, and I expect it to stay that way. (Sometimes I wonder if having another child is even physically possible, as in will ever even have sex again?!? )
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