I feel like I have been using this blog as a place to confess and unload. Testing my ability to be honest and how much honestly I am comfortable with. Maybe I shouldn't read so much into it. Sometimes I wonder if it is or will ever be useful to anyone. Or am I just rehashing the same thing over and over? I guess I shouldn't read so much into it. I do like the idea of buying a bound book of my blog (offered by blogger). It really will be useful to someone, ME!
Thank you a., for continuing to comment! It is nice to not always be writing into a vacuum.
I have begun posting to hipmama.com (reposting these posts). I get a comment here and there.
I have been going through a lot of changes lately. It has been rough. Much because the change has been coupled with economic poverty. Much because the change is happening but SOOOO slow (my cat is dying, slowly....the move is coming, slowly). Much because there have been changes and stressors on so many fronts. Saturn entered my 12th house around Thanksgiving, which is precisely the time all of this stuff started happening, when my cat became deathly ill.
What I have learned is that, though I pride myself on embracing change, some change is more difficult for me to embrace than other change. Truth is that I like to have some control in my change, or I like to go with the flow; I don't want my change to have dangerous waterfalls or scary rapids! If I loose everything, wouldn't that make me a "bad mother"? (I am going to have to write soon on that personal archetype) I like to be the one to identify what needs to change and change it, and I am really good at that. I want to change without suffering shame.
Ramona isn't a baby, nor is she a toddler. She weaned herself over a year ago now (which was great). I am now the mother of a little girl, an extremely mature and conscientious four year old. That's one change I realize I haven't fully flowed with.
I wanted to move, but I wanted it to be on my terms when I had the finances to do so, to the place of my choice, not at a time when I am swimming in kitty medical bills and reduced teaching hours.
I am glad I learned to hustle on the streets as a teen. I am glad I spent 3 years in a 12-step program a while later. I am glad I took up yoga recently. Great tools for living life.
But I know that the truth is that the changes that are happening are happening for the best. How, the hell do I always come to that conclusion? Well one of my favorite quotes, of which I do not know the author, is "Whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger." There is nothing wrong with adversity. And through my experiences with life, I know that someone, or something is looking out for me. I haven't figured out what that someone or something is yet. But I'm not sure that matters.
Last night, we played "Kids on Stage" (in Spanish, it has been a while since I have fostered her bilingual abilities). I remembered our honeymoon stage, where I used to sit and stare at my daughter in amazement, her every move exciting. I was amazed last night. Watching her contemplating how to physically represent the little picture she had drawn from a pile, "hmmmm, let's see, how can I do this one?" Sometimes she made her part more difficult by making the answer more specific. Instead of "hat" she made me guess, "Magic Hat," for example.
This day marks a day that I move forward (or at least around) rather than flounder, for a little while anyway.
2 comments:
A bound book will be useful and insightful to Ramona as well, when she's older.
There'll always be pitfalls along our paths. There may not be a map to guide us, but we could always proceed with caution and bring tools with us to climb out of the pits should we slip, right?
i love reading your blogs, esp. as we both express differently in writing & it's another way for me to know you. the uninterrupted-ness of a page, and the private-ness of the moment of composition, is cool that way! not the same as chatting w/half an eye on the kiddos.
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