The opening universe

I am weary of writing about adversity.

I was thinking I had paid my dues and all the adversity was over, but no! Wallet gone, stolen, disappeared. Someone went on a shopping spree. Luckily I will be able to recoup all my losses, but I will have to say it is a very discombobulating experience that I won’t go into.

And yesterday I had my kitty euthanized. He had been my companion for over 12 years. Mostly what I think about is how great of a kitty he was and that I wasn’t as good of a companion to him as I could have been. How he was upset and scared at the vet, and could have lived longer (albeit laying around in pain). Why do I do this to me? What I can say is that every pet I have had has made me a better pet owner and a better person, and living with this one through these 12+ years has had the most influence. Once I let go of the ego and guilt of not being the perfect pet owner, he has taught me to remember to savor the moments, every little moment of tenderness and happiness shared. And also to get pets who like kids from now on.

I keep hearing sounds I think are him, and then I remember. It is hard to see his sleeping spot empty. Last night was my first night without him. But just now, my daughter woke-up and after a few minutes told me she had a surprise. She lead me to the closet where my kitty Dink slept and opened the door. There was her little angel/fairy kitty laying in Dink's spot. It was sweet. He had wings and a crown.

.....

I sure don't feel very revolutionary right now.
But I have been pondering astrology lately. Seriously! I know most folks don’t believe in it (really) and I won’t really go into it too much, but I have been observing the planets, one at a time, as they pass through my natal chart, Saturn as of late. And almost to the second Saturn passed into my 12th house (my closet) my world has been turned up-side-down! This is the beginning of the end of a 28 year cycle. I had thought that I was prepared for this transit…but I wasn’t. All momentum has come to a stop, ending. I feel the pull to stop going anywhere or doing anything and figure out who I am at this moment and not assume I am simply the sum of my parts. To shed this unneeded baggage and coping tools. That is, turn inward and observe for a while I guess. I find myself questioning all decisions; work, home, everything is undetermined. I have no faith that anything is the right decision or anywhere is the right direction. In a way it is hard, because I like feeling like I am going somewhere, advancing in some direction. In a way it is exciting, not knowing where I might end up once I sit still for a while. Stopping doesn't have to be stagnation, sometimes one needs to stop and look around, see where we are. As all momentum comes to a stop and all decisions and goals about life dissolve or become hazy, the universe opens wide.

So I am not fighting it, at least trying not to. I had a plan for this blog, originally a sort of place from which to comment on and dissect societies twisted attitudes towards mothering and living a holistic life. And I have a lot more of that in me, ideas floating in my head. But I think this state of not knowing, of everything is possible, is a great place from which to write.

So, I just wanted to check in. I missed blogging these last weeks of moving and mahem… Oh yeah, I love my new place and the people I live with. I live with a creative, sensitive mom around my age with half-custody of two kids. I love living with people who are full of hope for the future. Life is better here (I think, can't be sure of anything these days).

But I am starting to wonder...shouldn't I do journaling again...so that my blog doesn't look like one?