I feel like I won the sweepstakes. But really I just signed on and waited. Tomorrow, I go in for my appointment with HUD to do paperwork that should lead to my being issued a voucher to help me pay for rent. Section 8, now called the Housing Choice Voucher Program. I spent over three and a half years on the list. I actually applied over 4 years ago, but didn’t get my update form in on time (5 minutes late) so was bumped of the list and had to reapply. Don’t most of our tax dollars going to terrorizing and bullying the world anyway?
I got the letter weeks ago, but my intake appointment was of course weeks later. That way us “clients” can collect all our paperwork (and there is a lot of documentation to collect). I am surprised at the feelings I have gone through over the weeks about this. I was surprised at how I felt like I should keep it a secret, like it was something to be ashamed of…you know with all this anger about fair shares of taxes. Am I paying my fair share? Is there such thing as a fair share? And if so, who decides? And why should taxes be fair when everything else isn’t? Aren’t taxes our remedy for our unjust system anyway?
What is fair? Does fair even exist? Is being born into poverty fair? I mean, I like who I am, and what would I be like were I not born poor? Would I like myself then? More or less? Poverty isn’t the thing I would change, would I? The unfairness in my childhood is mostly fine with me now, though it wasn’t then. What I did learn is that it was the interactions with people that affected me, that’s what I would have changed. I would have chosen a different dad, probably. I would have wanted my mother to spend more time with me. But if she had spent more time with me, would my relationship with my daughter as an adult have changed? Would I be so determined to give my daughter the love, compassion, consideration that I desperately wanted as a child? Or was it actually the poverty that robbed me of the love, compassion and consideration? Isn’t it poverty that forced my mother to destroy her body through hard work as a low-wage slave? Isn’t it poverty that forced her to choose between giving her children enough time, or giving up her passion (Art). Isn’t it poverty that drove her to the brink of insanity over and over again? So was it fair we were impoverished? Or was it just punishment for having a mother with the audacity to raise children absent of a breadwinning male head-of-household? And should I be punished as well? Hmmm, Some would say, “YES, I should be punished” but they’re generally the same people who would tell me I couldn’t have had an abortion if I wanted one.
Okay, stop thinking about those crazies. I am ecstatic…just when I thought single-motherhood in America was about the gut me. I will be able to rent a two-bedroom place for 1/3 of my income…in northern California none-the-less. The idea of not having that huge bill to contend with has opened up so many possibilities to me. One is entrepreneurship. I won’t work for the stockholders and the upper crust. So I have non-profits and myself left to work for. Having a small job that I do from home has taught me that this is what I want. I want to work from home. I don’t want to dress up to impress others. I need to be me. I want to throw out my work clothes. Since my teaching job is out for the summer in 4 weeks, and I should be moving around then…I have all summer to recreate myself. I get to take risks because I won’t be paralyzed by the fear of not being able to pay rent. Untrapped. I get to be an asset to society again.
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