How can I have so little time when I hardly “work” at all? My official work tally is about 14.5 hours a week.
Drive Ramona here, drive my mom there. (Oh man, how I miss living in a walkable place). Clean up my mess in the living room. Laundry, Lesson Plan (arg the internet is out again!). Pick-up Ramona. Clean up my roommate’s mess. Tend the garden. Play with my daughter. Appointments. Clean her preschool. Dinner? Or you’re hungry? It’s time for “work” after a full day of mother/daughter/roommate duty. The anxiety rides high. I remember during finals in college, I used to pop a Vicoden so I could calm down enough to think, to be a student. Now I have to be a teacher. Put on some strange "work" clothes to try to impress others. Ramona still has some left-over Tylenol with Codeine from her bone surgery. My bones ache, my muscles ache, my mind is in a whirl. It would be okay right? A swig to get me through work?
Drive Ramona to my mom’s, drive me to work for 3 hours, Drive to mom’s, drive home…At home my roommate tells me she is leaving for the weekend, the kids are at their dad’s. Well at least this time (once I clean up their mess) the kitchen will stay clean until at least Monday. I just can’t sit in that craziness. Where can I make dinner if every counter in covered in dried food and dirty dishes? Don’t they care that they leave huge messes for other to tread around in (or more likely with me...clean up)? I check craigslist to see if there are any potential places for me to live. I can’t move again for a month at least, but I look. Nothing really. I silently pray for the perfect place to pop up…
I can hardly breathe, let alone make Art.
I can hardly spit out a cohesive thought, let alone organize.
I dream that I am bragging about how my teeth are white because I stopped drinking coffee. Maybe they really are turning white. And maybe my wrinkles really will stop their onslaught… green tea is supposed to do that, right?
Morning again. I race to get my work done before Ramona wakes up. I try because the other day she was playing make-believe. She was a little girl who didn’t have a mom. Her mom didn’t want her anymore. Her mom had taken her from her real mom a while ago. Her real mom didn’t work and played with her all the time. Her new mom took her away and was always working, and didn’t want her anymore. Ramona’s tears were not for pretend.
I remember when I was a child, I could cry on demand. Everyone thought it was a cool trick. It really wasn’t though. I would just think about my life and the tears ran out.
Pining for summer to come. I have a plan. More to come...
*note: I use "" for work, since I work a lot...but like I said, I officially work 14.5 hours a week.
4 comments:
We're not meant to parent alone... even with "nuclear families" we're mostly alone, and it's exhausting :-( Granted, with extended families, you have extra hands to help but it's tough finding middle ground (unless you luck out and have extended family that shares your values nearly 100% of the time).
Funny, in Canada Tylenol with codeine can be bought off the shelves, no prescriptions needed. Maybe I'm naive, but I don't think I know anyone (back in Canada) who abused the drug...
I've been entertaining the idea of welcoming house mates into our home since my tutoring gig's ending next month, but truth be told -- I'm apprehensive! J (husband) and I value our privacy: we're hermit-types. We've had house guests, and my parents used to rent out portions of our little townhouse when times were tough, ... but still, we're not the kind to host events at our house or have people over. I can't help but think T would love the extra company though.
Anyway, I just asked J and he's cautiously open to the idea... so, just throwing the idea out there. You & R haven't even been to our house, actually. Maybe one of these days? R can pick up all the snails she wants from our garden -- we have loads to give away ;-)
P.S. Thanks for sharing the info on tadpoles -- didn't know all those things before
(i read this through twice; will probably go back & read it again.)
Hi ladies. About moving, I actually should be able to get my own place, but would definitely need two bedrooms. I am social, but am in a place where my own place will work wonders in my life (i just know it). It is funny, cause I like my roommate and could be her friend, but I can't live with her. Things about the way she lives and acts in her home and private life are quite incompatible with who I am and what I am doing. All is good. I always look for the lesson, and I am learning about what I need. And since November, I have learned so much and let go of so many useless "things".
So happy & excited for you & Ramona (re: housing program)!! Have you told Ramona the good news? I totally understand about needing your own space -- the dynamics are different when you live with each other.
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